Worrying about my future increased to a daily basis when I turned eighteen. Then when I turned nineteen I started to feel undecided about it.

I write about my career choice. It used to be so clear!

When I was eleven, I wanted to be a surgeon.

When I was twelve, I think I still wanted to be a surgeon.

When I was thirteen, I wanted to be a music journalist.

When I was fourteen, I wanted to be a music journalist for a heavy metal magazine.

When I was fifteen, I still wanted to be a journalist for a heavy metal magazine.

When I was sixteen, I wanted to be a writer.

When I was seventeen, I wanted to be a writer and film director.

When I was eighteen, I wanted to be a film director.

I am nineteen and I don’t know what I want to be.

The surgeon dream disappeared after I realized I don’t do well with death or blood. The journalist dream also did when I realized I don’t like today’s heavy metal music. I still like writing and I LOVE film and music.

The thing is that if I want to be a film director…how will I get money to pay for housing, clothes, transportation, or food?

The immediate success of getting your films recognized does not happen when you start. I read I might reach success when I am in my thirties: oh lord.

I also don’t do well with people! So, while I am in my twenties trying to get successful, how would I cope to survive? Still work in retail?

The HORROR!

A film studies degree would not guarantee me employment that quickly.

I have just a few years until I transfer to a university. The thing is that I have to take classes recommended to prepare for my major.

So, a genuine career came to my head. What about psychology? I mean, the pay would be decent, but do I really enjoy the thought of being with people? 🙂 I mean, I would have to hear them all day.

And the pay would not be really good unless I get a doctorate. I do like the feeling of helping others. I never figured out what is really wrong with me anyway, since after nearly five years of depression I still have not found a therapist that fully understands my troubles.

So, yes, this is my dilemma. I am sure millions of youths in this planet are dealing with this right now.

I want to know a great deal about my profession, but I also would like to be well-off financially.

What I mean with that is that I would like to be able to afford Jo Malone perfumes, shop in places like Neiman Marcus, and wear designer brands every now and then.

 

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Or just afford to dress like this.

 

I dream big.

So, yeah, I like money, too. As a child I hated it when my parents were not able to afford Barbies.

I would also like to be traveling. I do not like to stay at a place for too long. I get bored.

I mean, I would live alone in Europe. I would not have to worry about children. I am sure I could support myself with a psychology PhD and hopefully I could afford to make films in my spare time? I…don’t know!

One thing I am certain of right now at this time of my life is that I want to learn the Finnish language. I have been studying it for seven years, but I am nowhere near a respectable intermediate level. I mean, I could survive in Helsinki by reading signs and understanding basic phrases, but I cannot hold a conversation.

I would love to study in Helsinki, as the universities I am thinking of transferring to in America are quite hard to get into and the drama in USA campuses are just something I do not want to be around.

I like the USA, but it is not for me. I actually did send an email to a university in Helsinki and they replied saying that I could not transfer from a community college. I would have to start from scratch to get my Bachelor’s.

And classes are only in Finnish, so I would have to be quite fluent in the language.

I understand 3% of the video below? The title of the video means “The Girl and Hat”. I hope I am correct.

I like Pirkko’s voice.

So I decided that I am going to take a Finnish language course in Finland next year for a few weeks.  It would be a great escape from my life here in California 🙂

The thing is how would I survive in Helsinki, a big city, for a few weeks. It would be very fun! Staying that long would make me realize if I would want to live there or not. It is not exactly the most entertaining country to be in. I had a lot of fun though.

What would I tell my job, I wonder. “I need 3 weeks off to study a language used in one country, he-he.”

I am actually traveling to Norway in about three months and I still wonder what I am going to tell them.

Quitting in a heartbeat is a dream if I didn’t have to pay my bills. I went to a department store to curiously look for an Yves Saint Laurent lipstick and I ended up buying things I was not planning to get!

I’d have to keep my job to even raise money for my sort of lengthy stay in Finland. The reason why I pick that country is because I am so familiar with it, thanks to my weird obsession that began when I was twelve.

But I know this would all take time so right now I will focus more on where I could transfer.

But sometimes I get these feelings…

Fortunately, I am not seventeen anymore, thank God, and I don’t feel like giving up anymore.

Today I woke up in a very bad mood for some odd, unknown reason. I was feeling like quitting on everything, leaving my work, not working on my studies; and abandoning everything.

But, I decided to not throw a tantrum and just hold it in. I went to work and smiled at my customers, even if I thought they were annoying. My work performance was well. I was crying minutes before my shift, but I avoided my own self-made drama and my day was not ruined.

Work can be a pain. About three years ago I was diagnosed with a condition called Aspergers, which is a high functioning form of autism. I didn’t like the diagnosis as much and I didn’t want to identify with the label, but as the years have passed I have noticed I possess some traits.

So, me + Aspergers + work =

  1. Me uncomfortable in crowds, fast-paced surroundings, and noises
  2. Not being able to understand people well when they speak
  3. Don’t get many jokes from customers
  4. Some co-workers talk to me condescendingly when I ask them something
  5. Some customers talk condescendingly when I don’t understand them
  6. Being slow at checking people out
  7. Not wanting to say “hi, how are you?” because why ask if one really doesn’t care?
  8. I hate small talk.
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My soul when a customer approaches.

So, I realized that there are certain aspects of work affected by this and it makes me uncomfortable to talk about it with strangers, which is why I didn’t say anything when I got hired.

However, I am a slow person when it comes to “getting” things about a job. The other day I went to an HR manager and told her about my condition. She said I should have told her in the beginning. All I need to show is a doctor’s note and proof of diagnosis. I don’t see my psychiatrist until the end of June.

I actually have an interview for another job in a few days…in fragrances…

It will all be okay 🙂 I hope.

I will figure out what I really want to do in life and it will be pretty nice. I don’t start another semester until Fall, so I’ll have this summer to work and learn the language of the suomalaiset.

You know, before, Finnish used to sound like utter gibberish to my ears, but now I can distinguish certain words even if the rest sounds like tararararaaara. That is progress!

I hope to whoever reads this that he or she has a good day.

Ah, those crazy sixties. Small bikinis! I’ll be off to watch Mad Men now.

And I always listen to this song when I feel inquisitive about my life choices…

Oh, and I also adopted a kitten and I put him in his crate to sleep. He meowed hard when I played this song.

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