Sure, it has been rainy, there is barely any sun, my work sucks, I’m becoming an adult, I have to pay bills, but it’s all been fine.

Today I bought my sister a concert ticket for a show in Norway. I did it without hesitation and without thought. I forgot all about plane tickets and expenses and hotels. I just did it because I want to travel again. We then realized that our trip would come to cost around $5,000 dollars and we have bills to pay.

I thought hard about this. Should I get a full time job? No, I must also focus on my studies. Then again, I do have a credit card that has this rewards miles program. I guess that if I redeem those miles my flight ticket would be cheaper? Right now flights to Norway are quite cheap, in my opinion.

If we go to Norway, then I want to also visit Finland again. I thought hard again. What is there to do there other than eat reindeer, look at trees, and pretty buildings? I don’t know. I just liked being there.

In order to obtain funds to afford such a trip, I must be on a stable job. Right now, I am in a period where I am about to quit my job. I have an interview tomorrow for the same position; only it’s about ten minutes from my house.

The thing with my job is:

  1. The costumers suck.
  2. The store is cheap.
  3. My manager is lazy and irresponsible.
  4. I hate people.
  5. I don’t care about the products the store sells.
  6. I’m bored of it.
  7. The idiot from loss prevention is Hitler and if I even read a magazine on an incredibly slow day he will tell a big manager.
  8. I feel like telling people to go f themselves.
  9. I feel like walking out.
  10. I’ve wanted to cry a times.
  11. A lot of Indian people are disrespectful.
  12. Latino people talk to me in Spanish assuming I am Latina.
  13. My co-worker is a rude bitch who said that white blonde people from places such as Denmark or Norway are “the most racist” type of people.

I have so many ambitions and I can’t believe that place is draining my spirit. The place makes me feel self-conscious of my shyness and lack of social skills.

I’ve applied to so many places already, but two called me. I had an interview with a clothing store today, but couldn’t go. The manager sounded sort of stuck up on the phone anyway. All righty then.

There’s a job available in my college at least. I have to polish up my resume and hopefully I could work at school.

But, I said things are looking good! This job will be a thing of the past anytime soon.

I am excited to start yet another semester at college next week! I’m taking political science and pre-algebra. Yes, I’ve been stuck on algebra since the 7th grade.

I’ve investigated my political science class thoroughly. However, I don’t even remember what room it is in. Even if my teacher is a die hard socialist, Bernie Sanders lover, I am looking forward to learning about government. I do hope that he doesn’t force his beliefs on us. He wrote an essay about how fascism is coming to America and I just forced a smile.

I will have to deal with things like this. It’s okay. At least he prefers Jill Stein over Hillary Clinton. At least he cares.

I am sure that if I wear my Trump shirt on campus, youths will chase me with pitchforks and torches.

Yet I still don’t clearly know my major. I am passionate about films…but how will that put bread on my table? I’ve thought about psychology…I am always analyzing the heck out of things and people….but the thing is I can’t stand people. Just the very presence of more than three people sharing a joyous conversation will annoy me. Maybe I could do research?

I became interested in psychology because of Dr. Sweets from Bones (sniff sniff). Since I still can’t understand what is wrong with me, I could always go into researching rare topics or cases.

I’m not wildly passionate about the thought of such a career. It would put some money in my bank account, but would I really love it? I am afraid of being stuck in a career I will not like and regretting it when I am old.

I do want to study. I like being in college. I want to get a doctorate one day. I want to study abroad. I want to learn how to speak Finnish, French, German, and even Norwegian.

I also like astronomy; sort of. Sometimes when I am about to sleep, I go on my phone and ask questions about the sun. I started watching a documentary series on the universe, but got lost when the narrator went into an specific explanation of light years and a black hole. But it is still very interesting.

I’ve also really liked writing. I thought I was going to be a journalist, but gave it up after a while. I want to write a book someday.

Writing about things many people have not written about. Like Pola Negri for example. Or going back to the past to warn Marc Bolan to NOT get in a car on September 16th, 1977. Or about Finnish politicians. I once wrote a story about Alexander Stubb being the king of Finland and my teacher liked it.

You know who is a person to admire for their hard work and success? Justin Bieber. He could never really have the teen life and had to do tours and hundreds of shows. He can’t even buy a Starbucks coffee without a girl spotting him and bursting into tears. I watch his documentaries on Netflix when I am really bored and realize he’s quite a hard worker. Being a pop singer and celebrity is not easy. He may have the looks, the girls, and the fame…but I think he wants a normal life sometimes. I used to hate Justin when I was 12…but I judged him without knowing his story. Go Justin.

One has got to work hard for success. That’s the beauty of America.

I guess I still have some time left to figure out my major. I should discuss this with a counselor.

I also want to be remembered.

Yes, these are the ever so angsty thoughts that populate my mind when my birthday is near. I wonder if nineteen is an insightful age?

I used to think I would be so unhappy after I returned from Europe, but I feel a little happier. I don’t think about death anymore. I focus on progress.

Today I exercised after quite some time. It felt terrible, but that’s how I knew it was working. I blasted Futuristic Dragon by T.Rex and I can remember feeling irritated as hell when “Calling All Destroyers” was about to end. My chest was in pain.

I walked my dogs and said hi to the adorable German Shepherd that belongs to my neighbor. He’s a huge dog. I can hear him barking right now.

I watched four episodes of Malcolm in the Middle even though I have re-watched the series three times. I am quite saddened still that Netflix removed Quantum Leap when I was getting into it.

Maybe after this I will watch The Docks of New York, directed by Josef von Sternberg. I have read that some consider this his best film. Hmm, I did cry to The Last Command so I am optimistic about this one…

My heart broke when I realized I can’t attend a live Pola Negri movie screening in San Francisco because it is on a school day and I can’t transfer to a university without passing math. I’ve seen Der Gelbe Schein two times anyway.

I’m currently jamming to Françoise Hardy. She is dynamite!

God bless you all!

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