For some days, I felt my life had gone awry, but in a terrible manner. I thought there was no purpose for the future, or to give myself a chance to have a career. I have discussed hopelessness many times. Whenever I am frustrated or overwhelmed or something that I don’t like happens, I will start thinking about death.
Since June, in those times of staring at the wall or at the window with a blank expression, I’ve been thinking that it would be acceptable if I leave after my trip to Europe. Or after the elections. After that, the depressive me thinks, I could be happily gone. Whenever I think of that, I will eventually start crying.
I can feel great during the day and for some hours. But I never know when my mood will change. It changes quickly.
There is nothing nice about being in bed in the heat with no food intake until the afternoon and waiting for your life to be done. It’s not fun to let yourself go. This endless summer is about to come to an end, however.
What probably attributed to my latest bout of sadness was that adult age is creeping up on me and I am too much of a coward to face my responsibilities. I am too scared to learn how to drive. I believe my nerves would cause me to have a car crash. I didn’t get the job I was hoping to get and wasn’t called back from my favorite bookstore.
After spending a day at home, I will frown upon it at night and cry. Not all of the time, but I do sometimes.
I wasn’t even excited about college. My depressive self thought that there would be no point in making films because they would all…suck? stink? I kept thinking that there is nothing to hope for after this year.
It’s probably the medication I have been taking for almost two weeks. It’s a mood stabilizer and I guess it has helped a little bit. I find myself laughing more and feeling less anxious. There’s still that problem with feeling angry most of the time.
In the depressive moods, I will consider my departure from the Earth, but will dread it because I would not leave a legacy and my role in Earth would be meaningless.
But some good things come after those moments of tears. I got a job as a babysitter and found a film course I could take in college in the Fall. I was overjoyed because in that class one is assigned about 3 movies per week. Some of the movies are from my darling Ernst Lubitsch and Fritz Lang. When I saw that, my face went red, and I covered my eyes, saying, “Oh my God, Lubitsch movies and Fritz Lang! Wow!”
All my courses would be online though. Due to my difficulty with interacting with people and my persistent annoyance of being around them, I must learn to expose myself. Yet, not now. I will miss about two weeks of lessons because I will be in Europe and campus classes won’t probably like that. If I do online, I may probably do the work during my trip.
That cheered me up lots. There’s hiking in Norway next month…and walking hours around Helsinki. Next month I should be walking around Norway and thinking of Kristin Lavransdatter. (If you haven’t read Kristin Lavransdatter, please do. I’ve only read the first book from the trilogy and I loved it.)
I guess there’s also that inevitable feeling of loneliness. All humans feel it from time to time. It can’t be killed. It is always there, but its presence is not as perceptible when one is around those who feel it as well.
The feeling is present more than ever especially this time of the year.
I guess what I’ve used as a distraction is listening to T.Rex and obsessing with Donald Trump. I even find myself looking at pictures of his kids or his wife or him as a baby.
That reinforces my belief that I get obsessed with everything I like. I’ve been more lonely because my love for Mr. Trump is not understood by many. That’s okay. I don’t think I even had friends when I lived in Peru.
AT LEAST…my Pola Negri movies arrived.
T. Rex has also been an upper, or Marc Bolan, to be more specific.
I hope in Finland I can find more T.Rex stuff because here in my area they have the same usual albums…I really would like to collect the rest of Tyrannosaurus Rex albums.
Oh, and here is my Trump shrine.
God, rebound headaches hurt like hell! Damn you, Excedrin.
Besides being depressed, this year is a pretty good year! I can’t even wait till the elections!
I wasn’t surprised when I heard about the Democratic National Committee emails. I was surprised, though, when Bernie Sanders didn’t win the nomination. I don’t like him, but in California he had so many supporters and almost every car had a sticker of his campaign. I haven’t seen Hillary fans at all and only have seen one car with a sticker for her campaign.
Yeah, Donnie was right. It is rigged. Also, kudos to the DNC for referring to Hispanics as taco bowls. I still think Trump could’ve worded his Mexican comment a little better, as I strongly believe he was talking of the dangers of illegal immigration, but the DNC thing is just plain horrible. They really have it against Sanders.
I tried watching the Democratic National Convention, but I got mad and started yelling at my television screen. That’s when I knew I was not a democrat.
They act as if nothing happened and still praise that witch Clinton. They bring in latinos to play the race card, talk about how they have received crappy education, and they say they did it all while being undocumented! How is being illegal something to be proud of? Who would ever be proud of breaking the law? I am not going to feel sympathy. My parents are legal here. They talk about walls, yet they have walls themselves in their convention. I think I got the message that democrats want floods of illegals coming in? So, breakin’ the law. Getting a Judas Priest vibe here.
They say they don’t care what gender you are or what race you are. Yet they kept bringing up that they were Hispanic, or black, or that they were trans-something, or gay, or something else. Why did they keep bringing it up? Everything, literally everything, is about race with this people. And how gender is so important.
That’s not all. God, I bitched so much when watching that. They kept going on and on about LGBT, bitching about Trump hating immigrants (another stupid misconception), comparing Trump to Hitler, transgender, feminism, black lives matter, raising the minimum wage (Yum, taxes!), and equal pay…
And no words on how to defeat terrorism. No words about ISIS. Instead, on how to not offend muslims.
I know not all muslims are to blame for terrorism, but ISIS is a demonic global threat. There’s attacks almost every day, especially in Europe. How the hell do they think they’ll defeat ISIS with non-conforming gender awareness, black lives matter, or with being always so goddamn politically correct? Hillary Clinton will accept so many more refugees without thoroughly checking their background.
I am sick of this stupid party. I almost called myself a Republican after watching this, but I need to grow up a little more to realize it.
The Republican National Convention seemed more united and enthusiastic about their country. There was enthusiasm for the veterans and for women as well. Not everyone there was white. There were American flags everywhere, unlike the enormous absence of them in the Democratic Convention.
I want Obama out. I want Hillary in prison. I want Trump in the White House.
You want to open your eyes about Hillary Clinton and her husband? Watch the film Clinton Cash. It’s online. She is despicable, and so is her husband. Bonnie and Clyde.
I honestly don’t know why anyone would be stupid enough to vote for Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders is a sellout and a fool to endorse this evil bitch. Maybe he is in this crooked mess with her after all. I never liked him anyway.
2016 Democratic National Convention: Putting Corruption first.
Anyway, enough about all the political mess! My head is killing me ever since I started writing this. No, I awoke with a headache. I have not eaten anything. I forgot to take my mood pill.
“Bailamos” by Enrique Iglesias is stuck in my head. I hate it when songs get stuck in my head when I have a headache.
Here’s till the end of July and the beginning of August, a month I’ve been waiting for…well…for months!
And November. I can’t wait to vote for Trump. I have a strong feeling he will win.