For some days, I felt my life had gone awry, but in a terrible manner. I thought there was no purpose for the future, or to give myself a chance to have a career. I have discussed hopelessness many times. Whenever I am frustrated or overwhelmed or something that I don’t like happens, I will start thinking about death.
Since June, in those times of staring at the wall or at the window with a blank expression, I’ve been thinking that it would be acceptable if I leave after my trip to Europe. Or after the elections. After that, the depressive me thinks, I could be happily gone. Whenever I think of that, I will eventually start crying.
I can feel great during the day and for some hours. But I never know when my mood will change. It changes quickly.
There is nothing nice about being in bed in the heat with no food intake until the afternoon and waiting for your life to be done. It’s not fun to let yourself go. This endless summer is about to come to an end, however.
What probably attributed to my latest bout of sadness was that adult age is creeping up on me and I am too much of a coward to face my responsibilities. I am too scared to learn how to drive. I believe my nerves would cause me to have a car crash. I didn’t get the job I was hoping to get and wasn’t called back from my favorite bookstore.
After spending a day at home, I will frown upon it at night and cry. Not all of the time, but I do sometimes.
I wasn’t even excited about college. My depressive self thought that there would be no point in making films because they would all…suck? stink? I kept thinking that there is nothing to hope for after this year.
It’s probably the medication I have been taking for almost two weeks. It’s a mood stabilizer and I guess it has helped a little bit. I find myself laughing more and feeling less anxious. There’s still that problem with feeling angry most of the time.
In the depressive moods, I will consider my departure from the Earth, but will dread it because I would not leave a legacy and my role in Earth would be meaningless.
But some good things come after those moments of tears. I got a job as a babysitter and found a film course I could take in college in the Fall. I was overjoyed because in that class one is assigned about 3 movies per week. Some of the movies are from my darling Ernst Lubitsch and Fritz Lang. When I saw that, my face went red, and I covered my eyes, saying, “Oh my God, Lubitsch movies and Fritz Lang! Wow!”
All my courses would be online though. Due to my difficulty with interacting with people and my persistent annoyance of being around them, I must learn to expose myself. Yet, not now. I will miss about two weeks of lessons because I will be in Europe and campus classes won’t probably like that. If I do online, I may probably do the work during my trip.
That cheered me up lots. There’s hiking in Norway next month…and walking hours around Helsinki. Next month I should be walking around Norway and thinking of Kristin Lavransdatter. (If you haven’t read Kristin Lavransdatter, please do. I’ve only read the first book from the trilogy and I loved it.)
I guess there’s also that inevitable feeling of loneliness. All humans feel it from time to time. It can’t be killed. It is always there, but its presence is not as perceptible when one is around those who feel it as well.
The feeling is present more than ever especially this time of the year.
I guess what I’ve used as a distraction is listening to T.Rex.
That reinforces my belief that I get obsessed with everything I like. I’ve been more lonely because my love for things is not understood by many. That’s okay. I don’t think I even had friends when I lived in Peru.
AT LEAST…my Pola Negri movies arrived.
T. Rex has also been an upper, or Marc Bolan, to be more specific.
I hope in Finland I can find more T.Rex stuff because here in my area they have the same usual albums…I really would like to collect the rest of Tyrannosaurus Rex albums.
God, rebound headaches hurt like hell! Damn you, Excedrin.
My head is killing me ever since I started writing this. No, I awoke with a headache. I have not eaten anything. I forgot to take my mood pill.
“Bailamos” by Enrique Iglesias is stuck in my head. I hate it when songs get stuck in my head when I have a headache.
Here’s till the end of July and the beginning of August, a month I’ve been waiting for…well…for months!