Summer started today. The temperature where I live was about 97 Fahrenheit and probably still is. It was dry, too, so I have to constantly keep the fan on.
Summer should be adventurous and give one the feeling that life is a party. I would like a fresher summer; one that isn’t boiling.
But I’ve been spending my summer vacation like this:
Oh, yes, I’ve been spending my days watching Netflix, since I was never called for my job. I do want to work, though I am frightened of people and things I am not used to. My family tells me I should probably go get some therapy because I have some issues regarding anger and I can’t sometimes control my emotions, which would be terrible for costumers. I’m going to have to go back to therapy and probably my darling anti-depressants again. Have I written of how birth control makes me twice as grumpy and still makes me want to die? At least physical PMS symptoms don’t hurt as bad. However, I am still an emotional mess.
What has Netflix provided me with? Well, at first it was Scrubs; I finished that for the second time in my life, except I thought Season 8 was when it ended. Season 9 was quite terrible, with Lucy and James Franco’s annoying brother. There is no Scrubs without Elliot Reed or J.D. It is a good show though. I can’t get enough of Dr. Cox!
What else? Right now I am killing my everlasting tedium with a show I vowed to never watch as a younger teen, The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I remember when I moved to California in 2008, the first thing I saw as I first visited the mall was the promo poster for the show, which was to air a month after. I have to be honest; I like it. The acting is terrible and the music….Oh, sweet God. The most irritating character is Amy, the pregnant teen, who has the high-pitched voice and always bites her lip, which irritates the hell out of me. My favorite characters are probably Molly Ringwald, who plays her mom, Amy’s creepy boyfriend Ben (I just started the show, so I don’t know if he’ll still be her boyfriend), and Grace.
I admit I laughed when Amy told her mother she was going to have a baby.
It’s so ironic that Molly Ringwald plays the mother of pregnant teen when she herself played a teen who showed more moral.
Besides Netflix, I feel I am decomposing. It’s the same thing every day. I no longer have school to make me feel useful. I am just letting myself go. I think this is the reason why I want to pursue education for ten more years at least. I’m always at home.
This usually results in depression and laying in bed, staring at the wall or at my window. There’s blue sky and lots of sunshine, and I decompose.
My irritation kicks in and I get angry, then feel like dying. The thoughts come. Why…would…I…be…useful…in…this…world. I…have…no…purpose.
Two weeks ago they got so intense that I was thinking of taking lots of migraine pills, but I was too sad to do it. Once again, something is stopping me; I don’t know what it is.
I am entering a new stage of my life and that can be mentally draining. I’m quite scared of starting college with more difficult assignments and being around people. The good thing is that I will meet with a disability counselor this week.
So, I can’t be gone yet. I could’ve chosen to go bye-bye in high school, but I chose to study and graduate instead. Even if it becomes more and more reasonable to not live and life becomes just too much to bear, I still know that I some things to do in this world before I go and I know that life is a gift.
I remember reading this book called Damned by Chuck Palahniuk (which I never finished) that said:
“What makes the earth feel like Hell is our expectation that it ought to feel like Heaven. Earth is earth. Hell is hell. Dead is dead.”
That’s a nice quote that always stays in my head. I won’t be here forever. I was given a temporary time to live on planet Earth and I know I will be dead forever.
Plus, I have a trip to Europe in exactly two months! That’s wonderfully exciting!
What cheers me up is that I’ve bought some little things online for myself. I pre-ordered the T.Rex concert film Born To Boogie in blu-ray from England and it will arrive in two weeks. I ordered it two times before, but the price turned out to be expensive and the thing wouldn’t even play in an American player. This order I made is an ultra deluxe, which comes with pictures and the soundtrack and a documentary, which is very nice.
I also ordered a Pola Negri postcard.
I should clean up my room. It is so messy! Books and clothes everywhere.
I’ve seen some pretty great films lately. Finding Dory was a surprisingly good film! It made me feel five again and I almost cried. I’m in the middle of watching Story of a Love Affair. I had to stop because it was a bit hard to focus. My concentration isn’t at its best today. Lucia Bose looks just like her son. It has a pretty good story so far!
My puppies are becoming bigger. One of them barks too loud and she bites me whenever she wants.
I hope summer ends soon. Summer to me equals depression. Have a good day.
Summer’s not a bummer. This is summer. And it’s now. Summer is heaven in ’77.
Thank you, Marc Bolan.