I have not written here for a while…like really written. Due to the misfortune that I had to return my computer to my school, I could not write and typing from my phone gives me hand cramps.

But I bought a laptop and all is fine again.

What have I been doing?

Well, first, I graduated last month. It was grand to know I was finally ending high school, but it never did hit me. I was so shy around my teachers, but so happy on the last day. My graduation was quite formal! Girls wore white gowns and boys black. I realized all year I barely made any attempts to socialize and had no one to talk to, as we waited to walk in the ceremony. Then again…how could I be friends with these people?

The ceremony was wonderful at first. Teachers were going to give out awards to hard-working students and I so knew I was to get one because of my full time dedication and anxiety and headaches that I had had during this school year while other brats discussed how much their weed cost.

Thirty minutes later, I wanted to leave. My favorite teachers gave awards to students who didn’t even work as hard as I did and who were plain disrespectful and rude. I was especially heartbroken when my science teacher, who I always respected, introduced the award by talking of a girl who always did his assignments, paid attention, and showed a positive attitude. I always did those things. ALWAYS. My heart started beating. I knew this was for me!

No, it was not. It was for this other girl. I didn’t like her. I didn’t like anybody at that minute. I had heard her talk some days ago and she talked like a thug. This was not fair. I aced every single test he gave us, including one where I got 24.5/25. I once even spent four hours trying to figure out a graph from our study guide because there was to be a test the next day. I always laughed at his jokes! And…I always made eye contact with him when he spoke to the class and I hate eye contact.

I even asked him to sign my yearbook.

My heart was in pieces. My heart was burning and my hands no longer wanted to clap. More students continued to win.

More teachers, including other favorites, gave awards to other idiots who behaved and talked like deviants. I felt my hard work had not been recognized. I did not even win the award of the one who embodied the spirit of the school. For Touko Laaksonen’s sake, I even picked weeds from the school garden just so I could get an A in P.E!

However, what put the cherry on top on this absurdity was the girl who won about $13,000 dollars in scholarships that night.

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I had always thought her annoying, but I let that go. Why was I to judge?

She gave the introductory speech and it was all fine until she mentioned the fact that she was a mom. Okay, do we care that you had unprotected sex? She went on and on about her son and how happy she was that she could go to school and take care of her brat. Okay, good for you. Wear a condom next time.

That was quite annoying, but I let that go.

We then go to the scholarships part and she won almost every scholarship, including other brats who I disliked a great deal.

She seriously won thousands of dollars that night. By her sixth win, I rolled my eyes and didn’t even bother to clap.

This girl would always talk in class. She always seemed to get on my nerves. Now I knew why.

She played the mom card, and I think she also won the award of who embodied the spirit of the school.

Let me get this straight, you have unprotected sex and then get thousands of dollars? For God’s sakes, someone actually needs that money for college. If life is that easy, then why the hell did I not get pregnant?

I soon calmed myself down. However, I was seriously pissed by the time it was to get our diplomas. I smiled and shook hands with the people from the school district. I walked back to my seat in the wrong direction and the secretary reminded me of it. I just shrugged.

The song “Beltane Walk” by T. Rex had been stuck in my head all day.

By the end of the ceremony, I stood outside with a frown. My sister found me and I whispered to her, “Get me away from this trash.”

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It seriously sickened me how people can get so many things for free. I was quite ostracized that a girl could get thousands of dollars because she decided to open her legs.

Yes, yes, I calmed myself down. After all, these people were given these awards because they at least had to get something! I had been praised by my teachers all year. This is probably the most successful they will be, so it is something.

This will not be my only successful achievement, even though I spent three exhausting months working on my night school classes, and actually suffered anxiety attacks, just to get enough credits by the end of my Senior year.

I don’t need free money. I respect myself. I can work hard and I proved that to myself all Senior year. I was close to killing myself by the time I was 16 and thought I would never be done with high school. I’ve been through a lot and am so damn proud I pushed that depression crap away and focused on my studies. In August last year a lady from my old school said it was going to be almost impossible for me to graduate this year.

The rewards will come later, I am sure. My education is not over yet. I have years and years of study, even abroad. My classmates will probably still be here twenty years from now, smokin’ their weed and drinkin’ their beer, bruh. I’ll be in Europe doing something just more important.

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Now I could finally understand how Reese Witherspoon’s character (the one in all these gifs) felt in the movie Election. You work damn hard and aren’t even appreciated?

A substitute teacher the other day told my classmates (who weren’t doing their work) that they were going to end up working in minimum wage jobs and I was going to be their manager. Ha! One idiot in that class actually supports socialism and high taxes….yet he doesn’t do his work in class. Yeah, I’m not paying higher taxes for deadbeat dumbasses.

Anyway, besides my crappy graduation, something incredible happened on that day. I bought my plane tickets to Norway and Finland. I cried when my grandmother told me she sent me the money.

I’m going to Bergen and Helsinki in about two months. This is what has kept me going, even through the episodes where I cry incessantly and wish to be dead.

We’ve paid for the most important things. My sister booked our places to stay at and I paid for my passport renewal.

I will be in the San Francisco airport in August and will actually board a plane! When I hear that little tune in the airport…the one when they tell you that a flight is soon…it will actually be for me!

For years now I’ve had dreams of that airport and waiting for my plane to Finland. Years. When I would actually board the plane I would wake up and, yes, almost feel like crying. Now it will be real.

So, people reading this, your dreams do come true, as long as you hold onto them. Don’t forget them. I was so patient these last six years for Finland. I almost gave up…but really it will happen if you work hard and keep believing.

My favorite Finnish phrase that always sticks to me is: “Me asumme ihan lähellä, lyhyen kävelymatkan päässä.

I don’t know why, but it is the phrase that is always in my head and I could easily remember it. It means, “We live very close, within a short walk.”

I know there in Finland people can speak in English, but it would be fun to try my Finnish skills on some natives. However, one should be careful with the usage of näin and nain. It is highly recommended that one pronounces them well. You could accidentally end up telling someone you want to marry them, or have intercourse.

I hope in Helsinki they have Tom of Finland books because in Castro, San Francisco, they are all sold out. I can’t believe the Biker’s Edition is out-of-print! Damn, I should’ve given that gay guy another birthday present. I love Touko Laaksonen’s art. Asking for the book in Castro was an awkward experience…the gay men stared at me with bewilderment.

Well, anyway, what else have I done? I’ve been trying to get hired. I applied to a job in Macy’s part time and they called me for an interview. I passed my first interview and they told me I was going to get a second one soon. I thought I had time to prepare. On the next day, some woman calls me and starts bombarding me with questions about experience. I was so nervous I just said no. I could’ve said I had no experience in selling, but was willing to work hard.

I really want to work because I feel bored at home and because I need to pay some of my credit card bills.

I hope I get hired. It would really help my social skills and practice being independent.

Besides work, I registered for my classes this Fall. I’m only signing up for three because I don’t want to get overwhelmed. My college starts about five days before I go on Nordic trip, and I would have to miss lessons. So, I took two online and one in campus. The campus one is photography and I hope I can convince my teacher to give me an assignment to take pictures in Europe.

Oh, yes! Pola Negri! I attended the screening of A Woman of the World in the San Francisco Silent Film Festival.

Well, at first it surprised me that the place was packed, for Pola has not many fans. I arrived right before they started showing the movie. My eyes watered when she appeared on the screen…She was so very precious and her eyes were lustrous! It was like seeing God on the screen. I saw her every movement…I clapped so loud when she first appeared.

But…but I still could not really like the movie. The only thing that helps it be watchable is Pola Negri herself. She was the epitome of beauty and glamor! How she dressed! The story, however, was dry and lacked depth. The quality was much better from my DVD copy!

The redneck neighbors irritate me and Pola Negri’s love interest in the film has no chemistry with her. I didn’t feel anything when they kissed or whatever. The film feels too American and exaggerated the fact that Pola was European. Yeah, we get it.

To people who think she was a vamp in real life, she wasn’t.

Pola Negri’s sensuality made me gasp because it was shocking (for me) because I am quite prudish and because she was confident in showing it.

I felt a little jealous, I will admit that. Being around all those people. One guy behind me said, “Fuck you!” to Holmes Herbert, when he was insulting Pola in the movie. Yeah, I was really annoyed. Show some respect to Pola Negri films and keep your profanity to yourself!

I don’t know why, but I was also annoyed every time someone laughed. People laughed at the jokes that were the least funniest, quite loudly.

I got the idea that the theme of the festival was feminism and transgenderism. I’m not big on feminism…so I hope Pola Negri never becomes a feminist icon. I hope to God not. She was a conservative anyway.

But, I am still glad they showed her film! I would prefer some of her German work, though. Now, that was the peak of her talent! A Woman of the World will never compare to Madame Dubarry or even Mazurka.

Watching her on the screen…I realized that she was so different from other actresses in silent films. Her expressions…her face…and her eyes. She was like no other. She was The Negri. I became obsessed with the fact that the movie was so well-restored that I could see the thread of saliva hanging from the mouths of Pola Negri and Holmes Herbert after they kissed. I also became obsessed with Pola’s eye movement.

As a tribute to Miss Negri, I wore a jean light blue dress with pants, my flower-patterned Doc Martens, a 90’s style choker, a bracelet, rings, and light Dior makeup. I also painted my nails red and that was a disaster…

After the film, my sister and I went to the merchandise section and saw that Miss Negri’s jewels were on display. “By God, I think I will faint!” I whispered to my sister.

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I regret not touching them. I wanted to take these home. I would’ve paid thousands, if I had more. It is hard to worship somebody. I hope one day I can own something Pola wore.

We left that place fast because I was getting anxious around all the people. I ended up buying a Pola Negri Swedish poster of the film that had been altered in English to be memorabilia for the festival.

Well! That is all what I have been doing, besides supporting Donald Trump with all my might.

And, by the way, R.I.P. to all the victims who died in Orlando today. God knows that we need stronger actions against terrorism.

It is all going too fast. Growing up, I mean. I have to deal with all these things, including money.

I’m happy I can write in my blog again. Sure I did miss it!

I count the days for my European trip!

I’ve also seen some good films, and bad ones. A good one was Penny Serenade, which was so heart-warming I almost cried. Cary Grant…what a performance from him! A bad one was The Marriage Circle, which is, I should say, the worst Ernst Lubitsch movie I have ever seen. It was so God-awful boring! Marie Prevost was irritating.

I also finished Scrubs for the second time in my life. I didn’t cry to the finale this time.

Have a good day. Celebrate summer, like Marc Bolan sang.

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