I’m typing with a slight headache on the upper corner of my head, not caused by exposure to electronics, but by reading twenty pages of a book or so. You should know in the past three years I have had trouble reading due to concentration. It is only now that I can find a book I can immediately connect with and start reading, even if I get stuck on sentences and have to re-read things. I am still wondering how I even read Gone With The Wind twice.
Last year I regained my interest for reading when my teacher assigned us Animal Farm. I was, and still am, so thankful he made us read that. I also regained my faith that literature still had the power to captivate me. I was too shy to hug him on the last day of school.
Anyway, I’ve been staying more away from television and the computer, for they make me feel useless. I gradually went back to my Twitter account after re-activating it again, but irritation and my annoyance with others made me deactivate it after three weeks. It’s a very lonely place.
It’s pretty clear that I’ve been irritated, and not unusual. I should not be having premenstrual symptoms anymore, so what could it be? Maybe the fact that I keep waking up at five or six in the morning without even wanting to! I can’t go back to sleep because I still feel sick. Yesterday my sea bands were not adjusted right and I woke up so nauseous that I could not stand up, in fear I would vomit right on the spot. I sat on the toilet for half an hour, after using it, and I found it hard to breathe. I rushed to the sink and threw up right there.
I will never understand a person who enjoys being nauseous. It’s one of the worst things in life.
I actually started to think I could be pregnant. It was an irrational thought, a clear impossibility, and a reason why I avoid using public bathrooms whenever I can. My sister laughed off my suggestion of buying a pregnancy test.
Were I to have children now…I would lose my patience as I do with my puppies.
Irritation was apparent during school last week. I was having a fine morning, free of nausea, in my history class, as I attentively listened to the teacher speak of Soviet communism.
I honestly did not know teachers in America have to swear they will never join a communist party. It may violate freedom of expression, but communism is poison, and I think it is a good idea.
Well, soon after the communism talk, one brat sitting by me raised his hand asking about socialism (which I think we were also discussing in class), and then Bernie Sanders. I rolled my eyes. My heart burned.
The teacher told him that, yes, the candidate was a socialist and from there they got to talking about socialism.
“Oh, I would want to pay more taxes just so everyone could have free healthcare!”
“Aren’t countries that are socialist, like, doing really good?”
“France is socialist.” said my teacher.
I looked at him. My insides raged. I believe my breathing slowed a bit and I inhaled and exhaled as if there was flowing magma within. These are two of my most hated topics.
The words almost spurted from my mouth. I had to tightly shut my lips. “HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN WHAT HAPPENED TO VENEZUELA OR SWEDEN OR FUCKING GREECE?” is what I screamed in my head. I kept rehearsing an argument.
The thing is that these brats in my school don’t give a fuck about what’s happening probably or even the economy because they are too busy smokin’ their weed or playing videogames, but when they hear of something being free, their ears jump up!
I am going to start working soon, and there is no way in hell I will pay higher taxes for these deadbeat dumbasses or illegal immigrants or for anyone I am not responsible for.
My teacher and that kid went on and on with their pro-socialist talk. My teacher noticed I was deeply annoyed and decided to apologize to the class for sharing his personal views.
I honestly would not despise Bernie Sanders if he wasn’t running for president. But when he decides to do so, and plans to horrifically lead the country to ruin….That’s when I decide I must take a part. By voting, I mean. Besides raising the blasted the taxes, he wants to open the borders! Welcome, illegal immigrants, you can vote and everyone can share and we have to pay for the shit of others and hello refugees (yes, let’s forget there was ever an America). A refugee came in the store one day and wouldn’t stop intimidating my sister and he wouldn’t let go of her arm. He looked at her in a disgustingly sexual way. This whole immigration business has to be dealt with and with that CACA Sanders the streets of America would most likely be like what has happened, and probably still is, in Germany and other places in Europe.
I was so deeply upset there wasn’t even Sanders toilet paper online. My teacher promised to get me some if he saw it. I want to clean my dogs’ poop with it.
Oh dear, this turned into a rant. Okay, as you can see, I am still irritated, but mostly when I get into subjects like this. This is a downside to getting interested in politics. A lot of anger.
Throw him in the fires of Mordor! (All right, I’m done.)
(Just so you know, I don’t like Hilary either.)
This is why I keep supporting my Donnie, Mr. Trump. Make America Great Again. I can’t wait to vote in the California primary….such an exciting year!
Anyway (lots of anyways; my mind just wanders!), I had that feeling of anger and discomfort for the rest of the day. I bitched about this with my mother, but she is also into sharing and such.
My sister is the only one who shares my views, and the one who even influenced them. She helped me get out of that prison ward of political correctness.
How has my weekend gone? Besides my morning nausea, I’ve just been at home.
I haven’t been able to enjoy music, mostly because it sounds repetitive (it’s Pandora radio) and I easily get headaches from it.
I still need to practice exposure for jealousy more, even though it’s just making me more upset. My counselor telling me people were trying to steal my obsession away didn’t make me feel any better.
It’s been Gene Tierney weekend!
It started on Friday when I finished watching Where The Sidewalk Ends, which was a very good noir that I had not really heard of. Dana Andrews was remarkable and I really got to see how he felt and easily imagine what he was thinking.
Then, on Friday, I took a trip to the record store and, after failing to find anything buyable of T.Rex, I dashed to the old films section. At one instant I remembered Gene. I picked up The Ghost and Mrs. Muir. What a movie! What a romance. Rex Harrison…fantastic! Gene pulled off the role of Lucy…showing one how it is to want to be alone…to talk to a non-living person…and to share your thoughts with him. I cried at the end. Impossible loves are my tearjerkers.
Besides that, I’ve been preferring to spend my time reading Gene’s autobiography. I actually got a slight headache from reading twenty pages of her book…It’s still hard to read, and I could sort of relate to her chapter of how she suffered from mental illness…and her inability to read…and so many personal things about her that I could relate to. I’m sure I don’t have manic depression, but some of the feelings about being ill just went to my gut.
I get hooked everytime the writer talks to me like a friend…
That’s how I feel about Gene. I’m almost done…and she’ll be gone…but not her films.
I’ve been reading her book during my school hours…I anticipate graduation and I know my place of education will be missed. It’s the place where I grasped stability once again. It gave me a chance to prosper.
Meanwhile, my darling classmates have been angels (the ones that went to Hell). On Friday some idiot got arrested on the parking lot for bringing drugs. There were dogs barking and I raised my eyebrows at such stupidity. Really, you are at the prime of your life…your youth…and you waste it on drugs?
The same boy who asked me if I smoke weed the other day came to our lunch table again whispering, with a wide smile on his face.
My eyes bulged open and my eyebrows were raised.
“Why are you whispering?!” I asked.
“What? Oh…your headband…I heard they help relieve tension and headaches…” he replied.
He was wrong because my headband had given me a headache all day. Once again, that was another random thing that kid had said to me.
Witnessing things like these builds up my self-esteem.
I did mention work, yes? I applied to my first-ever job…in a pet store. My sister helped me, because I’m usually too honest and I wanted to put I wasn’t interested in interacting with costumers or co-workers. I haven’t been called yet…My Nordic trip is in four months and I need to raise money for the expenses!
My dogs continuously irritate me. There I am, seated on the couch about to eat, and they come crawling all over me, trying to get a bite. My rebellious puppy Greta jumps on my lap and starts eating. When I try to pick their poop, they come running and rip the napkin from my hands. This is what results in me putting them in the bathroom until I’m done. Greta growls at me when I won’t let her do what she wants and then she bites and I get scared.
But, I think they love me and they are such sweethearts when they show devotion. Puppies are not just cuddly little pets. They’re like babies, and they are frustrating. They already ripped a hole in the carpet and they massacre their potty training pads. They never stop being cute, however.
I have been craving a Starbucks hot chocolate since this morning (I barely had nausea today) and I think I’m going to go get one now.
Have you all a fine Sunday…or Monday…just enjoy the many days you are given to live in this life.