This week I found myself turning vegetarian, yelling at a brat, and getting irritated with school.

It has become a blur because it is past. I still have to write about it because I must record it.

The week started with two tests. Apparently my science teacher had given me a surprise quiz the week before and on Monday he told us that we had a test the next day. On that same Monday I also had to take my test on Geography, which I wrote a page of notes for, and I came to discover that the thing had fifteen questions.

Anyway, for Geography I got 93% and Earth Science 100%. Yay.

I’m a good student, right? I study and study and I don’t know what for since I am still vague on what career I want to choose.

On Monday in my last class, English, my teacher showed us a documentary called Food Inc, which I thought was just about fast food being a danger. Sure, it was exaggerated.

That wasn’t the worse though.

We came to a part where a farmer was talking about his animals and cows and he was herding them and they were eating grass. “Aww, how nice!” I thought.

I was taking notes.

Then we came to a part where he was next to his chickens and he shoved each one in this cone shaped type of thing. At first what was happening confused me. What was he doing to them? Then I watched some more and all the chickens were screaming (for their lives probably) as he shoved each one in the thing and they were silent. Then the idiot cut something from their rear and I saw blood.

Oh God. I can’t fucking believe I had to see animal cruelty again. One time I accidentally saw something on Facebook years ago some extremists shared where animals were getting tortured and their skin ripped off. It happened to be a rabbit. I have a rabbit. Every time I remember those images I want to cry.

Well, anyway, I realized I could not bear looking at a such horrifying atrocity anymore, so I pushed my notes aside and decided to look through my phone or doodle or something.

But, I still heard more things like that. Pigs squealing. Animals being robbed of their life without their consent.

Sure, chop my head off, so people could eat me for breakfast!

I heard the animals cry out, but I did not watch. I had tears in my eyes. I refused to cry in front of adolescents. They weren’t as affected as I was.

Mr. English Teacher, before you show us something that has things like murder or blood, you should maybe warn us or even ask us to step out of the room? Not a fucking “close your eyes, guys”!!!

I mean, I get I had been absent the first day he showed the documentary, but he should have said something at least. For the sake of someone who may end up traumatized from the bullshit he wanted to show us.

By the end of class he was bragging about how during the weekend he had eaten some Kentucky’s Fried Chicken.


I haven’t been able to eat meat since then. It’s been terribly hard. I tried going vegetarian months ago and I only lasted a few days. Now, however, every time I see chicken or meat I just think of what shitty lives they’ve been given and how they are killed as if they mean nothing.

I read Animal Farm. I remember the animals burying their friends after they found them in their owner’s home. That novel affected me so much when I read it.

I’m not going to be hypocritical and bash the consumption of meat. I love sausage. And chicken strips. And shredded chicken with mayonnaise. And meat cut in pieces.

But, I just can’t anymore. Over the years I’ve lost my taste for meat. I cannot eat a chicken leg. I can’t see veins. Or pink meat.

I see them all as cadavers now.

To satisfy my cravings, I’ve had to eat fish fillet. I can’t go all cold turkey at once. Changing my diet is one of the hardest things I have to do. I’ve felt depressed about not being able to eat a burger anymore. I just…can’t.

I’ve been surviving on rice and salad and macaroni. I don’t even like vegetables. Or fruit.

I need to look up recipes.

I crave meat every day, but Meat is Murder. I can’t eat a victim.

Ten years ago or so I ate a rabbit with mashed potatoes and it tasted like chicken and I enjoyed it. I will never forgive myself for that. Rabbits have feelings. My sister’s rabbit is like a dog really. Humans think they are so superior because they can talk and have more capability of surviving.

Okay, so my change of diet greatly tanked my mood. It may have to do with the period, but I haven’t gotten it this month.

On Wednesday, I believe, I woke up in a bitter mood to my odious alarm. 6:06 in the morning. I felt unmotivated. Why wake up to a world that doesn’t nestle me in its arms and offer me hot chocolate?

I fell asleep again and woke up at around 7:10. I stayed ten minutes more in the bed. I was supposed to go already.

I went to the bathroom to change and brush my teeth and by the time I was done it was 7:43. School would start in seven minutes and I had a perfect record of never being late. I arrived ten minutes late, feeling very morose.

One teacher said “Good Morning” and I tried to fake a smile…

“Oh, bad morning.”ย 

By my third period, my most hated class, brats were talking with their profanities and the most idiotic one was playing loud rap music.

I’m not going to let this get to me. I will find my happy place.

I tried to watch a movie, but my concentration failed.

Then the idiot who rudely said a gross sexually suggestive comment back in September walked close by my desk and he was standing there and I could hear his gross voice when he talked to his friends. I was still so very angry at him. I hadn’t talked to him since he offended me with his “advice” about being innocent won’t be good forever and UGH I HATE THAT IDIOTIC BASTARD! His stupid comment kept replaying in my head during my Christmas crying jag.

I’m sorry. Being innocent won’t be good forever because I have values, right? Men don’t like that. Oh, sure. They just want me to care about my physical needs.


You gross bastard! Surely solitude waits for me in a rocking chair that creaks. Thanks.

Sorry, I got off-topic. Anyway, my mind got fed up with so much annoyance that I desperately needed to talk to someone. I stood up after gathering my things and asked my teacher if I could see the counselor. She said both counselors were in a meeting.

So, I asked to call my sister outside.

I went outside and complained about things and the brats and I saw that the gross bastard was keeping the door open and playing with it. Oh, sweet lord.


That’s when I snapped. I yelled at him as loudly and in such a bad manner as I had wanted to do for all these months. It felt good.

I called my mother afterwards and asked her to take me home. My principal briefly talked to me and told me how proud she was of me.

I didn’t end up going home.ย 

The rest of my week included problems with my mother. She bought me an expensive gift including a CD of oldies artists that included Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin and more. It also included a picture of Holly Golightly.

I made the mistake of telling her I was not a fan of Audrey Hepburn and that my sister would love a CD that had some Frank Sinatra. She threw a fit and told me I was so difficult and told me to stop overreacting while she was yelling her guts out.

She also cancelled my phone service when my brother’s bus driver forgot to honk and told my mother I didn’t pick him up. I didn’t hear anything and I was mad she arrived late.

I didn’t go to school on Friday. Just couldn’t deal with it. My English teacher was gonna throw a pizza party after our wonderful week with food research. My class made a big deal over the fact that I don’t want to eat meat and I forgot to bring some money, so I didn’t go or could not care less.

He also gave us an assignment in which we had to read a chapter of The Jungle and write a paragraph comparing it to Food Inc. I skimmed through it and read sentences about animals going through the chute and I pursed my lips and shook my head.

I told my teacher I couldn’t do this assignment (plainly I just didn’t feel like reading that long chapter) because I am sensitive towards the topic of animal killings. He told me I have to write a page long newspaper article reporting animal slaughter. I still haven’t done it. Don’t wanna do it. I still have to. I just want this awful topic to be done with.

This topic is another reason why I will never watch Pink Flamingos.

This week was like carrying a bag full of bricks.

Good things are happening though. I will no longer have to take English or History and will have to take Economics and Government. I will be officially in track to graduating in May. Yay!

My puzzle class will finish though.

And the gross idiot graduated on Friday!

Volunteering in the library was tiring! Shelving movies was fun. They have a copy of the Criterioned The Man Who Knew Too Much. Is that one better than the one with Jimmy Stewart? It made me want to cry.

But I thank Touko Laaksonen for helping me survive. I got through it with Ernst Lubitsch movies, too.

Well, now I’ll be off to work on my geography course.

I shall take a deep breath.