The rhythm of life is all too strong

(11 in the morn) It has been about thirty minutes since I have woken up and I feel like caca.

Not only do I have a runny nose, but I also wish to remain in bed and let others attend to my responsibilities.

It’s true that I have been feeling great. Sometimes during the day I do. There’s those moments at night when I am crying my eyes out and wish I just wasn’t myself. You know, to let my self go away for a while and come back when it is feeling better. I would also make the request for my self to take feelings, anxieties, and thoughts along with it.

The tearful states of emotional pandemonium have been happening more often for obvious hormonal reasons, but this time the sadness feels twice as bad. It feels just a bit more hopeless, more dramatic, and makes me consider my life is actually bad. Gives me any excuse to ridicule anything I do or say. Makes me think I am nuisance who causes nothing but harm. And it also takes over my thoughts and turns them all so negative. Nothing but jealousy or envy or irritation.

I’ve been feeling worse for the past two weeks and only a few days ago I learned why. I am unable to control it on my own, and I had to reluctantly go back to Prozac. I read it helps with severe hormonal issues. Let’s hope it does. I do not want to be dependent on pills for years or do I want chemicals in my body affecting my organs, but I’ll still be sad anyway. So, it doesn’t hurt to try.

Then Gilmore Girls. Wow, Gilmore Girls. I get so excited with this show.

(I am back about nine hours later)

Well, there was this moment where Lorelai is watching the 1954 A Star Is Born and….I was so happy I had to take a video.

I love Luke and Lorelai so much! You could imagine I had happy tears on my face. By Christ, Judy was singing “The Man Who Got Away”!

It does feel a bit weird to see Rory maturing as a woman…like having a “casual” relationship with her beau Logan, who isn’t as terrible as Jess or as moody as Dean. Paris and Doyle make a weird couple. I wanted her to stay with the professor.

I feel better now, except I have a massive headache. I took a Tylenol already and some of the pain has lessened. Blasted Prozac.

I played some Grand Theft Auto IV and had fun, of course. Got tricked by Dimitri, who made me kill his best friend, when he got an old Russian man to kill me. Then the idiot burned Niko’s cousin’s home and business to the ground and they had to move. I have wasted time not doing missions by getting people to hit Niko in front of cops, crashing vehicles so hard that they explode and make other cars explode, running over people, and causing more video game mayhem. I had stopped playing for a month because the controls had changed without my knowing about it.

Christmas was difficult. I became increasingly moody when opening my presents and feeling unsatisfied. I felt depressed afterwards and started crying. At least I got the purple dress I wanted.

But I have grand news! My sister got free tickets from a costumer to the ballet for tomorrow! Finally! I knew something good would happen if I gave life a chance! I can already hum “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”…

I am going to the ballet. I shall contain myself.

Oh! This week I have seen movies, yes. I haven’t spoken about films in a while.

I saw Holiday, starring Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant. Now, that is one hell of a film. My sister and I were laughing and were enthralled by Katharine’s attitude. She really immerses in her role. What an actress! Same goes for Cary Grant, who I find very charismatic, of course.

One of the best parts of the film.

By the way, I also enjoy locking myself in my room when guests come over or when there’s a party.

I really disliked Julia.

Oh, yes! I also saw His Picture in the Papers, starring Douglas Fairbanks. It was a bit confusing with this whole vegetarians vs. mafia business, including the fact that I was sitting in the back and people’s heads weren’t letting me read the intertitles well. Douglas is the spice of the film. Very athletic as usual. Always makes me smile when I see him. Sadly, the movie was not that funny. Erich von Stroheim was a nice sight though. Before the film, the cinema screened Charley Chase shorts, including one where he goes to the cinema and gets hiccups and a duck. I saw one months ago where he was in this fake haunted house and he was hilarious. One hell of an actor.

At least I felt good in the cinema this time. Other times I’ve felt so bad I have had to walk out. A rare Lubitsch silent is going to play there a week after my birthday and I’m counting the days. It’s German Lubitsch. Not with Pola Negri though. I am excited just the same.

My headache is passing ever the little! Ta-ta!

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4 thoughts on “The rhythm of life is all too strong

  1. I know some of what you mean. I was depressed for a long time…always in the middle of the night. For me, it is anxiety and depression rolled into one…just like you described.

    So I had to go to the doctor. I never had depression before. Just anxiety. I’ve always had bad anxiety. But now I’ve had significant depression for one year (at least).

    So now I am trying to adjust my sleep schedule. I have an extremely difficult time sleeping. Instead of staying awake and obsessing about why I’m unhappy, I’m trying to go to bed instead. It is a different medicine to help with sleep which I got.

    And the other thing is exercise. I have been doing this. Just trying to do it regularly.

    It’s been a hard week for me. I hope you feel better. I empathize!

    –Paul

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve also lived through anxious nights. I kept overthinking things and thought I was going to die. A few night ago I feared time and how my memories are slightly fading and aren’t as clear as before.

      My depression problems started around three years ago with a great deal of anxiety, which would make me very sad. I’m glad you’re getting help for this. I could say that I am better than how I was three years ago; through experience.

      I used to have bad sleeping problems and I couldn’t sleep nights. My doctor prescribed me Seroquel, which knocked me out, but doubled the depression.

      And, yes, exercise is the main anti-depressant! Really good! I should do it more often!

      I’m sorry you have had a hard week. Hopefully it has improved 🙂

      Happy New Year!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for the story of your experience! Yes, every day I am getting a little better (I think). I am taking the Ambien for sleep, but not every night (because it is supposed to be addictive). I hope you are doing well! 🙂

        –Paul

        Liked by 1 person

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