Ah, a fine Tuesday this is. And I surprisingly feel okay.

I feel okay…mainly because I have forced it. I stopped the Prozac. After three days or so, the headaches were imminent and would last all day. Not to mention the bad mood and the inability to enjoy anything. It was all so sudden!

About two days ago, I found myself thinking my entire life was a waste. That I should just already get over it with. Yup! Nothing mattered. I would never like anything again. There was no need to force myself to keep on breathing even though I did not want to.

I found myself in bed not doing anything. I was so bored.

The night before I had seen the film Sisters with my sister. It was one of the most mediocre films I had ever seen and doubled the feeling of misplacement I already had. Apparently when one is an adult their lives are all about drinking, working, and sex. Why would anyone have sex with someone just days after knowing them?? Why would anyone need marijuana in a party? And why the fuck do people always have to get drunk in order to have fun? The jokes were repetitive and during the last half hour of the film I found myself texting my friend. Yes, I was this bored.

When I came home, I was in tears. A comedy film sending me straight to bed crying. “I’m going to be an adult pretty soon and if all adult life is just trying to find a boyfriend and drinking in the bar every Saturday and having sex with people on the third date, then I don’t want it!” I thought. Things like love and sex and passion are very sacred to me and the media treats them like something so unimportant.

I am just going to avoid these modern movies about being single and having intercourse with anyone from the bar while drunk. Movies like The Grand Budapest Hotel come very rarely.

But, yes, I decided to skip the Prozac and yesterday I had a pretty good day. I went shopping and had fun with my sister and brother. It rained a great deal.

While my mother was driving us back from the bank, I saw a golden shooting star. It was no airplane or helicopter. It had the shape of an actual shooting star. Its path behind was gold and the star traveled to the right. I immediately closed my eyes and made a wish. It was once in a lifetime experience. I don’t think I had ever seen one before.

One must always take a moment of a Disney moment such as this.

Christmas this year actually does sound exciting! I actually don’t feel as depressed with the season or festivities. The atmosphere with the tree and the presents and the light feels warm. It may be because this is the first time we spend it in a house we actually own. Even hearing “Feliz Navidad” in every store does not feel tiring. The holiday
embraces me and makes me feel secure.

Besides my numerous gifts, I have been begging my parents (well, mother) to take me to the ballet. All my life I have been enchanted by ballet and the grace of the dancers and the captivating music and the magic of it all. And guess what is in season? The Nutcracker! Tchaikovsky’s compositions! Oh, my lord! I did some research and I came to find that ticket prices vary from eighty dollars to two hundred and fifty at most. It’s also five hours long! That. does. not. matter. I’ve seen five hour silent films.

Oh god, “Pas de Deux”, on stage…The man lifting the ballerina and moving her around…

This is professional, which explains all the more why I want to go. And I have to be formally attired! Hoorah! This hopefully won’t be awfully loud like a concert (remark my use of awful) or people will be dancing around. My butt will definitely be asleep though.

San Francisco Ballet in The Nutcracker, staged by Helgi Tomasson.

God, I really hope I can go. I’ve been wanting to attend since I was around twelve.

Anyway, I don’t have much to write anymore. During my side effect day, the one in which I could not enjoy anything, I fully heard the Portishead album I purchased around two weeks ago. Beth Gibbons has such a venomously sweet, heart-breaking voice. I just read Elizabeth Fraser is one of her influences, who is one of my favorite vocalists ever. Dummy is a great album.

(This song sounds better live)

Oh, I am definitely watching this.

Have a merry Christmas!