Wintertime winds blow cold the season

Alas, my finals have at last been finished. I am free for the next two weeks in this icy thirty degree weather.

I got back my “Cigarettes Should Be Banned” persuasive paper and, to my own shock, I got a hundred percent. I didn’t really feel it. I wasn’t to confident about my writing and persuasion. However, I read it a few more times and it could be admitted that my argument was strong.

Today, I had to the option to stay at home or attend the last day of school in the remaining of this year. I did it only for the paper and the teacher didn’t even have time to write comments.

My day…I’ve had better days. I’ve been irritated, tired, and ready to scream at any brat. Yes, I’m reaching my point of frustration. Even a bitter young lady like me has her limits.

A girl who usually screams the most profane things was jumping around announcing her graduation. What did I do? I rolled my eyes. She is very profane in class. The only time we ever talked she was nice to me.

I’m tired of youths call each other “n**ga”. They refer to their friends with the usage of that term. I’m tired of the rap music the brats play loud from their phones on campus. Tired of that perverted idiot looking at me. Tired of that lazy substitute we have. Tired, tired, tired!

I think this break is what I need. The stupidity of my schoolmates inspires me to do better. Only four more months and I’ll soon be around well-mannered individuals who don’t brag about all the cocaine they snort!

I’ve learned to tolerate, I’ve learned to ignore, but sometimes my nerves take hold of me.

Only half an hour before school ended…and there I was sitting in English. Bored out of my mind. Couldn’t concentrate enough to read a book. Couldn’t find any movie to see in my computer. Couldn’t tolerate my Pandora music app anymore. Certainly I was definitely not in the mood to watch a Madagascar holiday movie.

Brats were loud. Running around. Squawking. It was getting to me. When they pushed the desk behind me and it hit my back, I felt anger rise up in my being (mostly around my cardiovascular system). I was ready to stand up and yell at their stupid faces. No, that’s not me anymore. I am no longer the little loud-mouthed Isadora from primary school.

It’s not even my fault I ended up in there. It’s a much better environment than a big normal school, though. Four months is nothing. I can do it.

“Breathe.” Like Kylie Minogue sang.

At least I got my daily school rant out of the way. My face in English even got my teacher to ask me if I was tired.

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A blend of the usual trio actually. Tiredness, irritation, and sadness.

You know what I hope may stabilize my (hormonal?) turbulent moods?

Prozac!

Before I went to the zoo, I saw a psychiatrist, for depression and anxiety issues still are popular intruders in my life, and she prescribed me Prozac. She says it could possibly help me with social anxiety, depression, and fearful anxiety.

Great! Last year I was on Zoloft! Hoped for the same.

I always try to have a good attitude about new medication. I am against it, yet controlling my moody side is exhausting work.

My mom took Prozac. I guess it helped her. I just don’t want to end up a zombie or having terrible fears that are so real at one point or insomnia or just side effects I hate overall. I just want to be okay!

I’m starting with a very low dose, which is 5 mg. It feels so nice to use medication language again! The doctor will increase it every week until I show symptoms or stability or just merely the opposite.

I am kind of stable, but cry very easily. The other day I cried my eyes out because I became aware that the entire world is in ruin and I cannot do anything to control it. I don’t like what is happening.

I’m…just going to stay away from world news…and politicians…I don’t think I even want to vote. Sorry, I’m just here to take up space in this planet and live my life.

I can get very overwhelmed about this stuff and wish I wasn’t in this planet at times, so it is definitely a good idea to avoid news relating to bombs, shootings, or presidential elections. I’m not even living in this country forever anyway.

Something good! What’s something good…hmm…Gilmore Girls? I just started season five. At this rate, I’ll finish the show in about two-three weeks. It’s good that more episodes will be made. Rory is maturing as a woman…and Lorelai and Luke…WOW! Have I said how much I love that Jess is gone?

So, I’m back after four hours. In the car I felt quite miserable. I analyzed my life and thought it awful. In the mall, my brother made us take him to the Kids area and there were so many…brats. In the vehicle I had felt quite agitated and anxious after going to the post office and worrying if I did not send a letter correctly. In the mall I started to feel as if I were dreaming and I felt neither happy or sad. I wanted to feel normally alive, not caught in a haze. I can only say that this is the Prozac…and my body is adjusting to it. Hope it wears off because I’m irritated with everything and getting headaches.

Things are becoming too predictable. Life is getting too cyclical. I hope this passes.

Here’s a Doors song that always sticks at this time of the year.

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2 thoughts on “Wintertime winds blow cold the season

  1. One thing I can say about medication is, you have to go through the bad effects of them to find one that works for you, because everyone is different. It took years and years to find my correct combination but once you have that, it obviously isn’t going to be magical but it does make life a lot easier. I don’t watch mainstream media, I usually don’t have a clue what’s going on in the world, so it gives my mum heaps to talk about when I see her, and I don’t get upset. Win win!

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    1. I really hope I may find the right meds because sometimes I prefer being without them when the side effects are too much. I remember one worked for about a month, but then suddenly stopped. I think I have to stop having such high expectations from pills. After all, what makes earth feel like hell is the expectation that it ought to feel like heaven. I forget that sometimes.

      I only learned that ISIS existed this year. Then I was sitting in the waiting room months ago and I saw news about refugees on the television. Suddenly, this was everywhere on the news and I couldn’t ignore things anymore. It might not be bad to ignore things again.

      Thank you for the comment! 🙂

      Like

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