And when I’m sad, I slide

I should study for my test. I should’ve started an hour ago. Then again…my score is always a hundred percent. However, this time I have to memorize a graph about seismic waves. I’ll go glue my eyes on the study guide in a little bit.

It’s been a week since I last posted! I haven’t written as much because the keyboards in my computer just magically stopped working and I had no sufficient inspiration. Now, I sit on my bed bored, and wish to write.

Happy December! By God, January feels like it happened two months ago still. Soon Christmas will happen and all this holiday business…At least my birthday is in two months. I am almost positive that I am going to Norway and Finland on August. I graduate in June. There are many great things I am to look forward to.

On Thanksgiving, I convinced my sister to rent the two Hobbit movies. How thrilling it all was! She’s besotted with Thranduil and I with Bard. And Legolas. Okay, and Gandalf. We finished the trilogy just yesterday and just loved it. It’s my English teacher’s fault that I’m hooked on this stuff. Some time after we finished reading The Hobbit, I found myself buying the first Lord of the Rings book. I’ve started to read it and there is sure a lot to learn about Middle-earth. I had to read about eighteen pages on the background history of hobbits. It’s a wonder it all came from a man’s imagination. Don’t mess with elves.

I can barely remember what else I have done! Been listening to a lot of T. Rex. I did buy that Max Linder digipack.

It’s been so cold where I live lately. It almost feels like Lake Tahoe. You know, your hands burning from the cold.

Today I had a pretty nice day. My teacher hugged me after I complimented her speech (I am very shy and it took guts to do this) that she made about valuing life and the American Dream. It was so sweet I had to praise her.

My history teacher accidentally gave me a higher grade, but did not change it because he said I deserved it.

I got chips and candy for having perfect attendance and full credits! And to think that in the beginning of the year I was so depressed and staying home from school…

My philosophical science teacher (his teachings revolve mostly around philosophy rather than science, though he doesn’t realize it. He says we should make a living with our brains.) spoke about how students would not believe there was a student with straight As, perfect attendance, and full credits. My school is mostly filled with thugs and unmotivated rude youths.

My teacher said there was one in school.

I tried not to blush, but I think it was me.

I may be credit deficient and even that won’t stop me.

So, yes, I felt appreciated today. My achievements gave me some confidence. That’s when the hard work pays off, dears.

However, a few days ago, my self-esteem dropped to the ground for the stupidest reason.

I was convinced by a friend to join Pinterest, a website where you make collections or “boards” of pictures you “pin”, which means “like”. So, cool, cool. I pinned some Pola Negri…some Gary Cooper…Hey, I was having a pretty good time! Then, I don’t know why, but I clicked on this person’s profile. She had a Pola Negri board…and I was curious…but a little jealous, for I suspected she liked my favorite musical artist. She looked like one of his fans. Jealousy is my worst emotion. I detest it so much.

I scrolled down and I saw that she had a board of my favorite artist.

kkikik0lplpl (2)

Most people would think this is awesome. You know, common interests. Whoo! I kinda used to be like that before.

It felt like I was stabbed on the heart. I felt very jealous.

This is a very sensitive topic for me. Very few people have understood me.

I kept thinking that she doesn’t love him that much. That she doesn’t have all his works or his autographs. But…as I tried to grasp the confidence that disappeared…the insecurity crept in. I felt worthless.

I started crying. All the business with trying to succeed and my life finally being on track again sounded stupid. “They are all so much better than me,” I thought in tears.

I had to call my sister because I had no idea what to do and she calmed me down. Oh god, all of this because of some silly person.

The thing is that I have so much passion for this certain artist that…it’s hard to see others do the same. This has happened in many social media websites and even in real life…and I always have ended up weeping. I can be such a disturbed person at times. I pray for the day this jealousy goes away.

The more devotion I have for something, the more jealous I am more likely to be. In this case, this was my number one.

I therefore had to stop going to Pinterest. The silliest things can trigger me. That’s why I stay on my blog.

That’s what can break my confidence at times. Just ruthlessly shatter it. I don’t even want to feel as so. Even reading this makes me think I’m some obsessed fool.

You know what…I am just…my own special person. That’s all.

Anyway, that’s one of the crap things that has happened during my week.

But, things are looking up, despite little incidents like this. I do feel I am doing much better than before…even though I may not believe so when I am crying.

Some grand things are happening soon. I’m seeing the 1928 silent about Joan of Arc in the cinema. May do some volunteering in the library. I also need to raise some money for my trip next year.

I can’t believe it. I’ve waited six years to go to Finland and it’s finally happening. There are some places I am looking forward to visiting, such as the Parliament House and a Tom of Finland foundation. I also want to meet my friend.

Okay, I shall go study for my test now!

Did you know that earthquakes occur on narrow seismic belts associated with tectonic boundaries? I don’t even know if I’m right.


7 thoughts on “And when I’m sad, I slide

  1. We all have our downsides and craziness showing around, so try not to worry about it! I understand that when you love something, you want it to be exclusive, as anyone could ever change it. It’s perfect. But, that’s nearly impossible. Why don’t you think the other way around? When you encounter someone with the same passion as yours, you can always learn more about it and develop a deeper love around it. Other people can be multiple versions of ourselves, if you see it that way it’s easier not to fall into obsession or lack of confidence.

    You’re a smart girl, just don’t be afraid of who you are and have fun! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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