Such days have managed to pass by! My dears, I’ve been setting my mind to my studies lately, even though I don’t have that much work to do. There are only three classes per day in my schedule, but each period lasts about ninety minutes, so pretty much everybody (except for me) has four classes. Gosh, it feels eternal. I feel drained from being around so many creatures. Sometimes they bump into me. Sometimes I get laughed at for no particular reason. Sometimes I get momentarily stared at. I think I am wasting my time there and should go study something important for my career instead.
Last week or so I asked my study skills teacher (who is pretty much careless and does not discipline the class) if I had enough credits to graduate this year. I just wanted to really make sure.
He carelessly said that I couldn’t. It was coldly, without a tinge of some teacher kindliness. I asked for any possible way I could get enough credits by May but he shrugged and said I could maybe put another class in my schedule. He also said even that wouldn’t help and that I should go speak to my counselor.
Well, surely, that made everything all right. He sits on his ass practically all day on his desk (with some walks I’ve seen around campus) and surfs his computer. I’m still sore at him because he turned off Frank Zappa some months ago. I could do better than him. I won’t end up like him or stay in a town for the rest of my life. How can one not go crazy when not having seen the world?? Sometimes people you dislike can prove to be inspiring.
Anyway, he after some moments told me I could take night school or do half a year next year. Oh, for the love of Touko Laaksonen!
The reason I do not have enough credits is because by the end of Freshman year I started to feel horribly depressed, with plenty of other factors, and I could not concentrate on work. This led to the choice of homeschooling Sophomore year by going to an online school. That did not go well. The work was challenging, I could not concentrate that well and then lost motivation pretty soon. I also had to phone my teachers and shyness always took over. By the end of the year, I had all Fs. The work was really exhausting, especially Math, and we had timed online tests. I ended up searching the answers online.
Then I tried a small school Junior year but still felt depressed and the staff, especially the principal, would not understand. I spent most of it at home after a visit to the mental facility. I ended it with only three classes.
Hearing the news that I could not graduate on time alarmed me and I thought myself a failure. I could not bear being around these people any longer.
I came home sobbing inconsolably and felt ashamed of what these emotional setbacks had caused.
A few minutes later or so, my sister looked for alternative ways to end high school faster. The GED test cannot happen until a few months. Also for adult school.
And then we found it! We read of a small school that could help me finish my credits faster so I could be the hell away from this waste of a town and truly see the world. It doesn’t have the best reputation because of some students but I think this place is exactly right for me. I don’t care about having to be around pregnant teen girls or drug users or whatever because I will actually be progressing with my life.
I have a meeting next week to see if the school thinks (actually if that intolerable teacher) this would be good for me. I’ll be damned if they say no but I think there’s a good chance they’ll say yes.
Besides that, I’ve been feeling more tired and been sleeping more. My mother says I make her feel sick and depressed and that I am downer. I think she said she is embarrassed of me. You are very helpful to me, as you always say.
What I have really learned in school is to never marry or have children because they will leave me financially destroyed. I agree.
I skipped school yesterday to catch a Vivien Leigh marathon on TCM and I didn’t end up liking it. I used to love her movies. I don’t know what happened. Even the rare ones played and I chose to go to take a nap instead. Pola Negri is just more exciting! Sorry, Vivien.
I’ve gone back to my routine of attending the silent cinema every Saturday. Last week I attended a packed screening of The Thief of Bagdad. Excellent film! I loved how the showed imagery of fantasy! Douglas Fairbanks is one hell of an actor. He puts me in a great mood.