My summer vacation will officially be over in three days. Hell, it went fast. I just took a sip from my can of Fanta, placed it beside my keyboard, and am now thinking of what I have really been doing.

Okay, besides feeling bored, I’ve been watching movies. According to my journal, until yesterday I have seen 45 movies since my vacation started.

Here are some of the best:

  • Scarlet Street (1945)
  • College (1927)
  • Dragonwyck (1946)
  • Hi Diddle Diddle (1943)
  • People Will Talk (1951)
  • Forbidden Paradise (1924)
  • Vertigo (1958)
  • Peeping Tom (1960)
  • Inside Out (2015)
  • Die Nibelungen (1924)
  • A Star Is Born (1937)
  • Cinema Paradiso (1988)
  • Ludwig (1972)
  • Brute Force (1947)
  • Man Hunt (1941)
  • Broken (2012)

There’s lots of more but I wanted to include the ones that I really loved first. This wasn’t like last year when I pushed myself to see movies by checking out at least ten from the library. I did this at my own pace, which let me enjoy them better.

If you live in America and have TCM, please don’t miss this Summer Under The Stars month! Every day will be dedicated to a certain star and their movies will play all day long! I’m looking forward to the 18th and 26th. Vivien Leigh and Greta Garbo! Yesterday I happened to catch some good movies starring Olivia de Havilland and I realized how good of an actress she is. I haven’t appreciated her as much. I’ve got to say that she made a great team with Bette Davis!

Besides cinema, what else have I been doing? I guess I’ve been crying, which isn’t a shock.

Music hasn’t really changed really. I can’t listen to my malfunctioned CD player so I turn to Pandora. I enjoy the songs but it replays them too often. Maybe I should stop thumbing them up. For the past month, nearly all I’ve been listening to is Fields Of The Nephilim.

Mother is pressuring me to take meds again. Hmm, I am not sure? I mean, my problems revolve mostly about my horribly low self-worth and persistent jealousy. That’s what causes me to get depressed often. I do feel irritated almost daily. Haven’t really tried to harm myself in any way besides thinking of taking my own life a week and half ago. No, I don’t think so.

I went to the silent cinema two days ago. It was silent comedy night and I love that. They played my favorite comedians: Charles Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, and Laurel and Hardy. I have enjoyed the hell out comedy nights before. I did not really enjoy a single thing and could not concentrate. Everything seemed silly to me. I won a Charlie Chaplin postcard at least. My mother kept calling even though she knew my sister and I were in the theater. That kind of spoiled it, too.

I’m not in my best mood right now and haven’t been in the last few days. Today I woke up with the thought that there is nothing left for me to do anymore.

I am not in the mood to really write at the moment. It’s as if I’ve been dragging my fingers across the keyboard to write. And Pandora plays “Enjoy The Silence” for the 30th time this week. That’s not surprising. If I ever open a gay bar, some Depeche Mode will definitely be played.

“Words are meaningless and forgettable”. Ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaa. That’s pretty clever.

I feel embarrassed of anything I do. I feel embarrassed of even sitting here. My memory sucks.

I have my moments of melancholy and right now I’m getting close. Bye.