Meds (or so-called Demons)

I’ve recently heard some new rumor about Isadora here having to take meds again. I heard it being discussed with my upcoming therapist and mother.

Ah…….that doesn’t sound very nice. I’ve tried quite a lot of pills with different doses and…..they have temporarily changed my personality…..or altered the stability of my brain…..

But I shall not fear them and think them terrifying, oh no. I think of them as movie characters.


I’ve taken……(some combined)

  1. Seroquel
  2. Depakote
  3. Wellbutrin
  4. Abilify
  5. Lithium
  6. Zoloft

They were not fun. Not single one of them.


1. Antonius Block in The Seventh Seal 

I landed in a psychiatric facility and was prescribed this pill to help me sleep and to hopefully better my depression……Uh, for the next, say, six months I was crying persistently and feeling like Antonius Block. Especially when the doc increased the dose to 50mg. I slept a lot.


2. Elizabeth in Prozac Nation 

I was horribly moody and I remember cancelling all future plans I had for my life.


3. Paula in Gaslight 

This was a month of pure hell and some of it still remains. I had never experienced such terrible anxiety; not since the intrusive thoughts I used to have anyway.

At nearly every moment of my life I feared anything was going to send me to Hell. It sure was inevitable. I avoided my favorite band, horror movies and even started to pray every night.

I thought I was to going to die in any minute. I felt so frightened whenever I sat in a vehicle and closed my eyes when we were in the freeway…..

I also felt so jealous of other things that I won’t discuss here.


4. Nicholas in Dragonwyck 

Yup, I was like my man Vincent here. I lacked sentiment. Did not care for anything. I was quite cold. I also accidentally took more of my dose and felt like a zombie. It was a struggle to brush my teeth and talk. I slept long hours. Woke up around three in the afternoon.


5. Grusinskaya in Grand Hotel

Yes, like miss Garbo here. I wanted to be alone. Everything affected me. And I wanted to be dead. I also yelled a lot. Just check my posts from September-October of last year. I wasn’t on it that long and the dose was very low though.


6. Cecilia Lisbon in The Virgin Suicides 

I took it for…..five months? Yes, that’s correct. Over the months, my dose ultimately changed to 100mg. It was wonderful in January but then I just crashed or maybe it just stopped working. I was a tearful mess (still am) and I seriously thought of more ways to end my life. I was no longer scared of death or of the momentary moment when you just pass on….There was a bathtub incident when I started taking it.

Well, I don’t know what they’re gonna put me on this time. I’ll give it a month until I’m diagnosed with something new……I can’t get treatment without a diagnosis. I feel neither hopeful nor apprehensive about it. I did end up in the hospital for a few hours after throwing up. They told me the acids were irritating my stomach. I’m a mess with or without pills anyway. I just know that with any medication I still thought about dying.


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