I’ve recently heard some new rumor about Isadora here having to take meds again. I heard it being discussed with my upcoming therapist and mother.
Ah…….that doesn’t sound very nice. I’ve tried quite a lot of pills with different doses and…..they have temporarily changed my personality…..or altered the stability of my brain…..
But I shall not fear them and think them terrifying, oh no. I think of them as movie characters.
I’ve taken……(some combined)
They were not fun. Not single one of them.
1. Antonius Block in The Seventh Seal
I landed in a psychiatric facility and was prescribed this pill to help me sleep and to hopefully better my depression……Uh, for the next, say, six months I was crying persistently and feeling like Antonius Block. Especially when the doc increased the dose to 50mg. I slept a lot.
2. Elizabeth in Prozac Nation
I was horribly moody and I remember cancelling all future plans I had for my life.
3. Paula in Gaslight
This was a month of pure hell and some of it still remains. I had never experienced such terrible anxiety; not since the intrusive thoughts I used to have anyway.
At nearly every moment of my life I feared anything was going to send me to Hell. It sure was inevitable. I avoided my favorite band, horror movies and even started to pray every night.
I thought I was to going to die in any minute. I felt so frightened whenever I sat in a vehicle and closed my eyes when we were in the freeway…..
I also felt so jealous of other things that I won’t discuss here.
4. Nicholas in Dragonwyck
Yup, I was like my man Vincent here. I lacked sentiment. Did not care for anything. I was quite cold. I also accidentally took more of my dose and felt like a zombie. It was a struggle to brush my teeth and talk. I slept long hours. Woke up around three in the afternoon.
5. Grusinskaya in Grand Hotel
Yes, like miss Garbo here. I wanted to be alone. Everything affected me. And I wanted to be dead. I also yelled a lot. Just check my posts from September-October of last year. I wasn’t on it that long and the dose was very low though.
6. Cecilia Lisbon in The Virgin Suicides
I took it for…..five months? Yes, that’s correct. Over the months, my dose ultimately changed to 100mg. It was wonderful in January but then I just crashed or maybe it just stopped working. I was a tearful mess (still am) and I seriously thought of more ways to end my life. I was no longer scared of death or of the momentary moment when you just pass on….There was a bathtub incident when I started taking it.
Well, I don’t know what they’re gonna put me on this time. I’ll give it a month until I’m diagnosed with something new……I can’t get treatment without a diagnosis. I feel neither hopeful nor apprehensive about it. I did end up in the hospital for a few hours after throwing up. They told me the acids were irritating my stomach. I’m a mess with or without pills anyway. I just know that with any medication I still thought about dying.