I’m pissed. I’m really really pissed. I wish I could know why. It happens daily….or maybe every two days.  

I am increasingly tense at the moment and want to cry out and weep and die. I am nearly quivering. My mind is ding ding ding!!! Anything upsets it.

Oh let’s think of this. Oh yes, we shall! Ohh….and that other thing…how wondrous….ohh and that other fucking odious thing…How I despise it!!! Wait, what was I even thinking about in the beginning????

Mother is quite offended by my admirable moods. Father doesn’t give a shit and would rather care for my half brother instead.

God, if you love me then why won’t you set me free?

Fucking hell. Why still try and try and try and be miserable every tiring day? Yesterday I spent the majority of a boiling summer day under the covers of my bed.

I will get better, sure. But I will also lose grasp of my sanity. Anything can trigger me and I’ll quickly imagine something sharp slitting my wrists.

After two years since I first stayed in a mental facility after I told my mother I wanted to desperately die, I still don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I ill? Are these hormones? Or am I destined to truly give up? Is this the fate that was set out for me before I was born?

I want to delete everything! All trace of my foolish writings and idiotic pleas for sympathy. It’s all loaded with stupidity coming from a vain girl anyway. I’ve deactivated Twitter four times due to jealousy….Yes, because of people liking my stuff and I fucking hate how I get. This didn’t use to bother me when I was younger. I’ve deleted Tumblr four times due to fans of my favorite band and just people in general. Facebook three times already. I’ve never tried this blog. Hell, I’m too unstable to be in social media. The silliest things can tick me off. Selfies and people writing with internet slang or bitching about when’s the last time Kim Kardashian put oil on her ass or when the princess gave birth to her 500th brat or just even a girl writing devoted things about an actor I venerate.

It was a mistake to write and create all my accounts. I’m too mean. I should’ve stuck to diary writing.

And how the hell will my everyday feelings of vitriol ease and maybe lessen? I don’t have a clue nor do I have any faith in finding the right treatment.

The demonic pills were nightmares each set in a different hell. They’ve all embittered me over time.

Nah, I’m not the type of person to post about Hiya and how I hope my summer is excellent. I post about the fucking truth. About how I feel. And I don’t feel very nice.

Music is for sure going fast.

And today I spent six hours watching an “epic silent masterpiece”. I think even Orson Welles praised the hell out of it.

It was Intolerance. A movie from 1916. Directed by a man who directed a film about god-awful racism.

It was okay in the beginning. I liked Babylon a lot. Great settings and all. The rest was sort of corny. Most Birth of a Nation actors were  here and they got on my nerves. The Babylonians were idiots. All day engaging in stupid feasts instead of preparing for an attack. While in battle, most of the Babylonians waved their arms and prayed for their god to do something. The only really good thing about the movie was Constance Talmadge. She reminded me of Pola Negri in The Wildcat. Beautifully playful and feisty!

It was just so long, oh fucking hell. I did not care about the Dear One and The Boy….I thought Queen Catherine was a bitch and I did not give a flying fuck about Brown Eyes.

I just wanted The Mountain Girl (Constance Talmadge) to stay with that Raphsode guy. He was dashing with the curls.

Most of the movie is supposed to be divided in four civilizations but most of the movie was spent on the present and Babylon.

I liked Babylon. Did not care for the king or his princess or their goddess.

Hell, even the Mountain Girl went and fought for her civilization and King after he granted her freedom to marry whoever she wanted. The princess just waved her arms and looked like she was tripping on acid. She could’ve maybe been seen in a Jefferson Airplane concert.

But, all in all, Babylon…….was fucking cool. Oh god, that setting! The buildings! The costumes! They were like that tiny civilization of seamen Eric Cartman had in his fish bowl.

And Lillian Gish’s repeatedly rocking the crib got on my nerves. But that’s how I knew the scene was about to change.

Man, the Babylon battle scenes were the best. Battles in D.W. Griffith films are just spectacular.

It was a good film. I am in a bad mood which impairs my judgment.

It took me six hours when it was actually three hours and thirty minutes because I struggle with concentration and memory.

And I remember the Babylonians dancing sequence was majestic!

Fuck you Cyrus!!! UGHH.

Oh…..

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Oh and he charmed me….

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