Irritable

 

negri121

I am undergoing another period of irritability at the moment. It is hellish. 

I despise everyone. I am jealous of anything. Even the slightest annoyance can trigger me.

And I yell at whoever crosses my path…..or is unfortunate enough to be around me.

I criticize. I complain. And I wish to sob as I do both.

I’ve been like this for a little more than a month, now that I remember. I don’t know why. It started even a week before I quit that Zoloft.

I imagine arguments…..heated ones. I always must sound confident and headstrong….but I will always break.

I’ve been like this since I was a child, according to my sister. I’ve never really been stable then.

I almost screamed at the cashier lady who was to sell me food in the movie theater when she wouldn’t accept credit.

I have wanted to throw my phone against the wall because it is slow.
And I pity myself for sounding so dramatic. We all know I am begging to be sweetly understood.

Truth is I am just irritable.

And I dread seeing humans, for I will be horrified at the sight of them…..and jealousy will be at an all time high. And that voice will come….

Okay, let’s call it Eros. Well, Eros always says I should go take my own life already because other people (comparison, you see?) are already doing what I most aspire to do and are probably much better at it.

Eros makes me look around my bedroom to see where it would be appropriate to hang myself.

I cannot bear feeling this much rancor for nothing!

I see fans of, say, even Type O Negative and I feel bitter jealousy and have to immediately find a reason as to why I am better than them. That’s horrible.

I’ll never be better. I can’t be better. I am just different.

The martyrdom of my posts makes that clear.

It’s not a nice feeling. I don’t feel like a nice person. Hell, I have a yucky personality.

And I take a look at that dreadful mirror and I see a worthless, ugly
spectacle. Sweet lord, how could YOU actually attempt to think you could amount to something? Oh, sweet Eros. You are guiding me to my grave.

So, so young, and already sure my efforts are in vain.

What have I left to do now? Gradually decaying in my bed sounds reasonable.

Darlings, it’s much better to like something without investing so much emotion on it. It’s healthier. I found what I love and it is now killing me.

And I pout. And frown. And sulk.

Life is killing me.

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6 thoughts on “Irritable

  1. I didn’t want to just read this and run. It’s difficult to know what to say in cases like this to someone you’ve never met. So many things I’d like to say, but if I were to tell you that things *do* get better, you probably wouldn’t believe me. So I will just honestly say that I hope you find some measure of inner peace. You deserve it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i’ve been feeling the same lately and it’s difficult! i try my best not to raise my voice on the simplest questions being asked. i feel like i have to avoid people like plague and just stay at home every weekends. i also get paranoid often, which is unhealthy. i may have a fair amount of self-loathing but i do my best not to let the demons take over my life.

    i guess what i’m trying to say is, please avoid eros. please please please. i’m saying this from one girl coping with irritability to another, and i know we’ll get through this. for now, i guess it’s best not to backread too much on social media, catch up with friends and family who deeply care about you, do things that make you feel great about yourself. 🙂

    i’m rooting for you, isadora! ❤

    Like

    1. I am so sorry you also have to go through this. It’s the last thing I would wish for a person. Usually, when I am in a better mood, I feel confused about my angry thoughts and actions. So yes Eros is a dick and should just vanish. He doesn’t really talk but I know he’s there. But one day he’ll disappear and I’ll be happy.

      Oh yes. I’ve been spending my days more with my sister, who is my best friend. We’ve been watching lots of Tarantino and that helps a lot.

      Thank you so so much for the reply. I believe in you also ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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