My older sister just boarded a plane two hours ago and is now on her way to Norway. I can’t say that I am jealous but I am. I miss her but am also envious of her. She is already living! Well, she is an adult now who works hard as hell for Dior and earns a respectable salary so I don’t blame her for saving up some money to go on a trip to Scandinavia.

The reason she made her hasty decision (well, she had prepared for it) to travel to a strange cold country where she doesn’t know a soul is because….she wants to see My Dying Bride, her favorite band, perform. She has a reasonable excuse. First of all, they’ve never toured around the USA and, secondly, she can do whatever she wants with her cash. This band will be performing at a music festival that is themed with Black/Doom metal music called Inferno. It’s a decision I hope she made wisely but what the hell. I could’ve gone with her…but it was either letting her pay my plane ticket or my favorite band’s remastered vinyls (the box set that had an autograph included). So I chose the records. I could’ve been on that plane today, for Touko Laaksonen’s sake.

But from being at the airport I was happy to realize that I am to be there again in fourteen months; on my way to Helsinki.

I have asked her to do me one favor for her entire trip. It’s a lifetime opportunity.

It was announced, I believe, that Nergal from the Polish Blackened Death Metal band Behemoth, who are playing at Inferno, will make an appearance at the festival conference to talk about his memoir that has been published in English at last. Not yet as a paperback; only e-book dammit!

So the mission I have assigned my sister is to go up to frontman Nergal and ask him just one question for me. I want to know if he likes Pola Negri.

He is Polish-born and practically everyone in Poland knows who she is. She was the first real Polish movie star to be internationally famous! So, this chance must not be passed. Oh yeah, I also asked her to ask him to sign an autograph, inscribed, “Pola Negri. Speak ov me not as one. From Nergal.” My sister told me that I am fucking weird for imagining that but she has agreed to do it.

“Pola Negri? Oh, I love her!”
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That’s my Nergal!


My sister will actually be staying in a hotel where the bands will also be. So, she can attend all the after-parties and converse with Aaron Stainthorpe about deep existential subjects (knowing my sister,  she is not liable to do that, for philosophy is not of her interest) or to Hoest from Taake about….um….church-burning? I don’t know. Black Metal is generally revolved around committing anti-Christian acts. I don’t know. I was into Black Metal some years ago and thought it the ultimate form of raw, malevolent music and liking it made me feel different. After obsessing with Immortal’s “Call of the Wintermoon”, I started reading about Varg Vikernes and his church-burning crimes and about the Mayhem murders. I have to admit that I found it terribly fascinating and saw no faults in their misdoings. I was thirteen. I used to sit on the lunch tables before school and read Gone With the Wind while listening to Burzum. Yet I grew up and these days the music sounds like shit to my ears and I think Varg Vikernes is a racist, psychotic, demented idiot and that the genre is silly overall. I really don’t listen to it anymore but some songs still stick to me. Like “Freezing Moon” and “Paragon Belial” and even Dimmu Borgir with “The Chosen Legacy”. These days I just prefer stuff that doesn’t have ridiculous themes like paying homage to The Devil. Black Metal and Heavy Metal overall for me were a phase and I’m surprised my sister still listens to it for pleasure. I just get bored.

But I really do hope she talks to the black metal artists nicely about topics she has knowledge about. She’s more of a spiritual person so she gains intelligence by experience and observation. Her conversations with band members always go smoothly thanks to her charm.

Not like her dear little sister.

We met Juha from Swallow the Sun on the merchandise room after a gig back in 2012. Well, um, he was the first Finnish person I had ever met and I was incredibly excited. And I was blushing.

I asked him what music he liked and he said he was a big fan of Candlemass. I said, “OH, CANDLEMASS?? DOESN’T MESSIAH HAVE A BEAUTIFUL VOICE??” These excited words thus escaped from my mouth. After a second I remembered that Messiah Marcolin is no longer in the band.

Then I told him that I really loved Finland and that I wanted to go there soon.

“What do you like about Finland?” he asked me.

“Um…the scenery….the trees….the countryside…..um….Tom of Finland!!!” I responded, with my tone getting passionate when saying the last three words.

“What?!” he asked, appearing to be surprised and bewildered.

I smiled at him and my sister started talking to him about some stuff I don’t remember. Oh! I do remember asking him what “Swallow” from the band name meant. I would secretly call them “Swallow the Cum”.

So, yeah, my sister definitely fits in that crowd and could keep a normal conversation without making musicians frightened. I’m…..just too weird, man.

Oh yes, after Norway, my sister is going to spend a day in Munich. This being her first trip abroad and she decides to go off to two foreign countries with different languages and customs. Okay.

She is going to see some truly boring and awful bands live in some concert. They are truly fucking boring and I can’t stand their music, by God! This band called Ahab (who sing about Moby Dick. Yes, the fucking whale.) and Mournful Congregation. Okay, the latter is the worst. They have thirty minute songs that play the same terrible loud riffs and there are no lyrics at all. This is my sister. She likes music that irks me and depresses me to hell. My Dying Bride isn’t so bad though. They have some nice songs. But I can only stand them for nine minutes at most because I am put to sleep otherwise. Or feel deeply saddened. I really respect and praise Aaron Stainthorpe’s lyrics. If one takes the time to hear them sung with his voice that simulates the one of a hopeless soul, then you will know this man has a supreme writing talent that he has honed throughout his life.

Well, not having my sister around does make me feel as extra lonely than I am. So, I’ve just been trying to hang in there, I guess. Just watching movies randomly on Netflix since she took my special DVD adapter because it’s region 1 and she needs it to charge her phone.

I did watch one incredibly bizarre movie. It was called Lars and the Real Girl. It is one of my favorite movies now. That’s all I’m going to write about it.


Oh yes!! After my mother, father (who despise one another and yelled at each other in the car), brother and I bid my sister good-by in the airport, I took notice of a picture of Elizabeth Taylor. Ooh, how nice, I thought. I walked closer and I saw that the jewels she used in Cleopatra were right in front of me on display. I haven’t seen that movie in a very long time but this still captivated me! I looked around and there were also other jewels on display!

There were jewels worn by stars such as Judy Garland, Marlene Dietrich, Hedy Lamarr, Angela Lansbury and others…but then I saw….the photograph of Greta Garbo. I screamed, “GRETA GARBO! OH MY GOD!!!”

Forgive the terrible quality as this was taken with my stupid cellular device.
Forgive the terrible quality as this was taken with my stupid cellular device.
The necklace still glistens!

I kept excitedly blabbering on and on about how Camille (her jewels here were worn in that film) had made me cry and I just kept loudly exclaiming about how I fucking loved Garbo. Then I saw more security guards surrounding the area. Christ, this was just a young girl’s enthusiasm for her favorite actresses. No need to consider it my hour of crime.

I also saw Vivien Leigh’s jewels worn in That Hamilton Woman, which I loved!!

She...touched them.
She…touched them.

I couldn’t bring myself to believe this. My favorite stars had worn these relics! They had touched their skin. Garbo’s golden chain appeared to be a bit rusty but, hell, she wore it! Fucking Greta Garbo! And Vivien Leigh! Lady Olivier! Oh, how this made my day! I was saddened for my sister’s departure and this was just what I needed! Oh, how I wish Pola Negri’s jewels would have been there also! My happiness would’ve crossed the line of happiness and I would’ve chained myself to the glass case. Oh, no wonder the guards were concerned. I even pressed my face against the glass with Vivien and Garbo. My parents then told me to go, for they had no interest in my old movie stars. My mother had previously cried watching my sister leave so I understand.

And now I must also leave you because I must finish my school assignment, which is to read some Animal Farm. Hell, how I love that book. I may have trouble reading but people were right when they told me to try audio books. The underlying theme in this novel has such meaning and really appeals to me. The only reason I even want to attend school is because of that book. I actively work on my class assignments about it. I had to write a “speech” that stupid Squealer would make and I wrote an entire fucking page and a half about how Master Napoleon was to “guide” them to the beacon of freedom and bliss. He-he….I really fucking hate Napoleon but I am very passionate about this book, I should say. George Orwell is a great writer and he makes political issues sound interesting through his prose. Thanks to him and to my English teacher I’ve been finding myself reading more about communism and Stalin and today I even talked to my father about such things. I talk so much about Animal Farm that my sister just zones out in our conversations. In class, we get to discuss that novel and every day I am motivated to get out of bed because of that. I even stayed some minutes after class discussing how communism had turned to totalitarianism in the farm with my teacher. How clever of Orwell to have depicted political tyranny with animals. He has inspired me to write more and feel less insecure about my work! And he looked like Frank Zappa! I really hope my bunny Valentino doesn’t start a revolution against me because I don’t let him out of his cage that often.

I was given a little token of appreciation by my school today because, according to my teacher, I have been trying to get my grades up and I have succeeded at that. Wow, maybe I could graduate next year after all. It felt good to be told that because I now know that my focus on school is actually paying off.

Now I will leave you with the knowledge that I fucking love Edith Piaf. I just want everyone to know that. I listen to a compilation of her greatest hits every day and I just sway my head and close my eyes….She is like the French Pola Negri. My father has spoken of how Pola Negri’s voice scares him. Ah, well! I hope I can shake off his fears!

Anyway, school has been a happy chore. Except for one day last week when there was a substitute in Math and the stupid childish twats wouldn’t shut up. They told him they could show whatever attitude they wanted and even asked him if he was on drugs. Yeah, I was so appalled at such disrespect that I told them to shut up. When they ignored, I stormed out of class and headed for the counseling office to finish my work. I don’t even try to socialize. I just go there to do my work.

I’ve still felt down and even had to leave my little cousin’s birthday party early because of doomed emotion. I was planning my suicide but I didn’t know why. Nothing had really happened. I had just woken up numb with the thought that my day was going to turn out to be shit and that I myself shouldn’t waste anymore time living with happiness that doesn’t last as it will descend to the lower layer of emotions and turn to sadness and it will dig deeper and thus become hopelessness.

Well, hell, I miss my sister dearly and I still believe that she is going to open the door after coming from work. I need her when I need to talk and for company overall. But I can’t depend on her. She must also live on her own and I must learn to deal with my dreadfully sad moods on my own.

At least I’ve been listening to my favorite band’s albums again and I have been so very swooned and crazed….

Here’s to progress.

And a salute to Master Napoleon! Happy April Fools’!

I remember five years ago today I was on a silly website called BarbieGirls. Ah, those were the stupid days. I so miss them.

Be who you wanna be. B-A-R-B-I-E.