I can’t get out of bed today. Nope. I refuse to. It’s been like that all week. I drag myself to school for three hours and I throw myself in my bed when coming home. I feel disappointed. Something terribly wrong has happened or is still happening. I don’t know what it is. I just feel hopeless about this certain thing that has occurred. I can’t keep trying anymore. I’ve tried numerous medications, therapy, counselors, talking to people I trust, talking to my moody mother, music, films; just nothing seems to ease the pain anymore. My memory sucks. I still can’t be able to read. My music gives me headaches and sounds overepeated. I’m a lost case. I have already left. I am surprised how I can still even breathe because I have perished inside. I am a basically a corpse with a deadpan face who can only cry and cry and cry and fail miserably. I feel I can’t keep going anymore. But I probably have to. I’ve fought this too strongly to give up. I’ve got nothing to new to write as always. I’m lost and my world is coming down.
My mother yelled at me some hours go because I just couldn’t get out of bed and wake up. I had to babysit my brother. I just….can’t. Mother, can you see how selfish I am? You are right. You deserve to yell at me because I am ungrateful and bad.
Actually, I should give myself a bit of a break. My psychiatrist increased my dose of Zoloft. So, I’m no longer “undermedicated”. I’ve felt like a goddamn zombie in the last two days. I can’t really cry and I feel like I am drowning. My anxiety has also come back. I think psychiatrists just test you with a bunch of meds and don’t care much for what patients feel and the torture they go through. I wish my last doctors actually took a second to think of how dreadful my anxiety was with Wellbutrin. Then again, I’m just another patient. They see me for fifteen minutes and bam I’m gone and another human enters. My doc told me my headaches were stress-related. Well, of course. I have a one week break starting now and I don’t know what I will do. I don’t feel real at all and don’t understand it. I feel I have already disappeared and am unworthy of love and success.
Well, to spare my mind from despair and negativity, I am to watch yet another Buster Keaton film. I have fallen for him. With his faces, his attractive gait and angelic eyes. That’s what I’ve been doing all week: locking myself in my room and watching Buster Keaton films. Also watched Panic in Needle Park, a film I was meaning to watch for a long time because of my favorite actor Al Pacino. Now I REALLY understand why Coppola fought hard so they studio could let him star inThe Godfather. Pacino has such unforgettable brown eyes and smile…..I had to cringe in the parts where he or his girlfriend injected heroin. Oh god, it was nerve-racking. I won’t ever forget what happened to their dog in the ship when they were shooting heroin in the bathroom. Another reason why I will never touch drugs. Anyway, great film. Along with Buster’s Three Ages. I love how all the short films were structured! Ah, it was such a great movie. Yes, romance did exist in every era of time. And who’s better at telling that than Buster Keaton? His characters are always so….quiet and reserved….but in a manner that beguiles me all the more. His movies do cheer me up. He is so very handsome! Why did it take me so long to explore more of his work?