Today, I have been confined to my bed in the middle of the day because of a headache that won’t go away and I took a painkiller an hour ago. I get unbearable headaches every two days and at times they don’t go away even if I take two painkillers. What is causing this, one may ask. It’s that Zoloft. Fucking Zoloft. Or maybe it’s because I am dehydrated because I love Pepsi so much.

Now I have my painkiller bottle with me at all times. I even had to take one in therapy. My head throbs and even the slightest noise becomes a shrill. My new dose of Zoloft has been affecting me greatly. I have been feeling crazy, that I can’t possess any self-control, hopeless, helpless, forgetful, suicidal, angered and confused. It’s too much and I can’t take it anymore. It’s too big of a load. I must speak to my psychiatrist at once. I now prefer my old dose. I was doing so much better last month and, on the last days of January, I just crashed. My moods began to act up again. I don’t know what happened. God, I just want to have the right medication already. They’ve been testing me with so many in the past two years! And how I hate those fucking side effects! If it isn’t lethargy, it’s nausea. If it isn’t sleepiness, it’s anxiety. Now are the headaches. Why did I have to inherit my mom’s depression? Oh, please, for the love of Touko Laaksonen, reprieve me from this torment.

I was in about to walk into school already when I felt a throb of pain on the side of my head. I had placed my CD player in my bag with charged batteries, The Damned’s The Black Album and my Finnish learning book. This was gonna be a good day. Then the pain worsened. I felt dizzy. I was going to faint. I couldn’t remember anything. Not even my room numbers. I was exhausted, for I had gone to bed at nearly three in the morning for certain reasons I am to write about later.

I had to ask my math teacher’s assistant to let me do my work in my study skills classroom, where there is a more peaceful environment with no childish twats yammering. I was disoriented. I had forgotten where the hell I was even going. Once found, I walked in the empty classroom, sat on a table and rested my head and arms. Oh god, it hurt. It still sort of does. Right, I had a math assignment. I had left my math textbook in my locker. Ugh, I was too fatigued to even walk but I had to in order to graduate. I went to my locker and I tried a certain combination repeatedly. Was this even the correct one? I couldn’t fucking remember. I was in a dreamlike state now. Oh god, I wasn’t well. Alas, I thus decided to text my sister and ask her to drive me home. Now I’m here.

I couldn’t even listen to my music! Headaches and my favorite music don’t go too well. Before entering school grounds, I had listened to “Christian Woman” by Type O Negative, followed by “Black N. 1” in the car. Yeah, the headache started with the latter. Now I shall rest. Fucking hell, even my memory is leaving me.

Yesterday was a good day because I didn’t take my Zoloft until midnight, meaning I didn’t have moments where I felt my life was pointless and more of that tearful nihilistic stuff. I partied hard, you could say.

In the middle of the day, I decided to watch a film that had been in my DVR for ages. It happened to be Charade, starring Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant. Oh god, I can’t even fully describe how excited I felt as I watched it or how much I treasure it in my heart now. I thought it was gonna be some silly romantic comedy but…..it had a Hitchcock type of feeling….It was the best thriller I had ever seen. It’s BETTER than Hitchcock! I had to pause the movie because I kept getting confused and I had to stop and think! There were so many plot twists! Everybody had so many secrets and identities! AHHH!!! I loved it so much. Audrey Hepburn was ravishing as usual and I loved how she dressed and how she displayed her attitude on the screen. She is a fine actress. Cary Grant stole my heart as he always does (and did also last Friday when I watched Suspicion. Joan Fontaine made me despise him for almost the entire film. What a lovely girl.) and he still looked very sexy with gray hair. His lines and how he delivered them….His smile….His voice….How he fought with the antagonists….The ending, oh God! What an actor! So handsome! So clever, too! I even drooled at the part where he was kissing Audrey Hepburn. I really wanted to be her then. And I won’t forget how he showered fully clothed and applied soap to his body! 😀 And did the end send shivers down my spine! I love it so!!!

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I had to wait two hours for my excitement to cool down so I could watch A Woman He Scorned, which is Pola Negri’s final silent film. It was beautifully filmed, with an atmosphere that reminded me of this beach I would go to during weekends back in my Peru days. In the beginning, Pola doesn’t care much of what happens to her anymore because she is a prostitute and only trying to make a living. She keeps trying to lure new innocent looking man to join her in a tryst but he is reluctant. Then she grows frustrated and walks away and her pimp aggressively pushes her. And then the other guy rescues her and they marry and…..It’s a great film…..with a lot of dramatic touches. The camera really captures Pola Negri’s beauty well…Her many faces. The Pola dirty smile….The way she breathes fast whenever she seems worried or anxious and her eyes bulge open and the way she embraces her leading actor and appears so devoted to him. I loved her in this movie. It was terribly sad though. I saw Pola here missing her Rudy Valentino. I saw her cry. She had made this movie after coming out of her “retirement” because her marriage with that stupid Mdivani was crumbling and she had had a miscarriage, which left a wound in her heart for the rest of her life. Pola had no kids, you know. I saw in her eyes the frustration with her life and I saw the worry she possibly had about her career fading because of talkies….I don’t know. I get too personal and emotionally carried away with Pola Negri films. I loved the parts where she was cooking. Even if she plays a prostitute, Pola will always seem like a little girl to me. She will always be different in any film she is in. An outsider, but in a positive way. She was one of the most original, headstrong women who ever lived and also the most beautiful one possibly. She got through my emotions in this movie. I could understand even her character’s pain. I analyzed and thought of everything her character had gone through and all the psychological damage she had. I still won’t forget how her husband in that movie called her a “whore”. You fucking idiot, she just wanted to forget her past. Bless Pola. She did it again for me in this film. I fell in love with her talents and with all the angles the camera filmed her from. I loved the scene where she is just examining her beauty by looking at the mirror and trying to look more like a peasant. Yes, it really is damnably strenuous to receive the world’s approval of your beauty.

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I couldn’t help but just be entranced with that delicate face.

Yeah, Pola Negri kept me up until two in the morning. Terribly sad ending the movie had. Oh! While watching the film, I played and bonded with my pet bunny. I used to be so scared of him but now I really feel that I love him. I love how he hops happily and makes bunny noises and how he closes his eyes whenever I pet him. He also nibbles me, haha! He’s so playful and I am glad I won his love. It took longer than I thought.

Oh right, I also did watch The Spanish Dancer last week and I loved it. So much action! And a bit morbid, too. The story went just a little too fast though. Pola almost jumped from the window because she couldn’t go on living without a guy she had met five days before. Pola danced! I love gypsy Pola! She’s so sultry! Though, she was a very trampy gypsy in Carmen. OH. MY. LORD. I fell in love with Antonio Moreno’s character. He’s sort of dumbfounded but so dashing! The long hair! The smile! The way he wanted to be Douglas Fairbanks in that swashbuckling scene! 😀

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Don Cesar…

Of course, I disliked Wallace Beery as I do in other movies and in real life. That fucking dick. I wish a restored version could be released because rare Pola Negri fims don’t have the best quality like, ahem, Metropolis or Clara Bow movies. Did you know only six of all her American films survive? I realized that when I was writing down her filmography on my diary.

The good thing my headache is less severe now because I actually got a bite to eat and drank something. I shall just rest until I feel a little better maybe. I need to finish my math assignment and finish writing the definition for my English class’ vocabulary words. That’s really it. School for me is three hours a day anyway. I don’t feel as bad anymore. I wonder why. My Finnish friends are asleep right now because of a ten-hour difference. They’ve been teaching lots of brand new Finnish terms, of course. Even bad ones, haha!

I hope to feel a bit better soon. Free of headaches and any emotional troubles. They intrude with my life’s obligatory progress. I also heard my favorite band’s new remastered third album and I almost died. I blushed, almost cried, sang along and felt that I was dying. That is what I call happiness.

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