Looking For Today

Oh my darlings, how do you all do? I am thankfully at peace; much better than how I was two days ago when I started my new dose of Zoloft. The good thing is that I haven’t really had that much anxiety (thank the lord TOF) and my feelings of hopelessness haven’t at all been that horrid.

I did have my moments of weakness. I was feeling a tad overwhelmed at night as usual and I emptied my bottle of sleeping pills and held about forty something tablets on my palm. Oh yes, I was considering it again. I was sobbing as I just stared at them. And thought of how they might all kill me and put me to sleep forever. But something stopped me. I don’t know what it was. Maybe an entity of some sort. Who knows? I was thinking I was waiting for something that will never come. I decided to take a deep breath, swallow a tablet and go to sleep. I needed to go a little easier on myself. After all, they are feelings and I myself can’t feel ashamed of them.

Sleeping forever like Aurora in Sleeping Beauty  wouldn’t fix anything. I was being quite foolish again because of my tender lovelorn feelings that sometimes do make me feel that I am choking. Elaborating on this subject will excite me too much so I’ll just stop here.

I had a meeting in school regarding my accommodations in school with my mother, school psychologist, counselor and teachers. It went well, I should say. They didn’t focus on labels. They only talked of what would make me more comfortable so I could study without a bunch of twats talking or sitting next to me. Well, it seems that now I am going to school three hours a day and I’m still probably not going to be able to graduate on time because of how much school I’ve missed in the past two years thanks to depression. Well, whatever, at least I won’t be stressed with a LOAD of homework. School hasn’t really been that awful. I’ve been more independent, attempting to pay attention in class but I have failed due to my inability to concentrate and read, for the time being hopefully. I haven’t been that lonesome at all, ha-ha! Through my numerous classes, I’ve been chatting away online with my best friends from Finland! They’re very fun and I’m glad I found people who think like me, have similar humor and share my interests because they have filled a large black void I used to have in my life and heart. Bless them. I learned my locker combination so now I don’t have to carry damnably heavy books between classes. I feel like a girl from a television show or the movies! My school thankfully permitted me to switch me to another study skills class. The one I used to be in was with boys who would vex me terribly by trying to act like a silly rapper talking in Spanglish. Jesus Christ. At least my issues with school have been resolved, for the most part.

Glorious things have occurred! My Pola Negri movies arrived!


God, I can’t wait to see The Woman He Scorned and The Spanish Dancer! They are good ones! My Type O Negative shirt arrived too and I so want to embrace it in my arms! The whole Type O crew is in my back, ha-ha! 😀

Last night I saw an incredible silent film in the silent cinema that I go to on weekends. My sister and I were fortunate to see 7th Heaven starring the beauteous Janet Gaynor (who very much reminded me of Ann Rutherford and Mary Pickford) and the dreamy Charles Farrell, who I happened to fall in love with. At first I was dreading of seeing it a bit because it was a bit long and because I was tired, and it was rather slow in the very beginning, but then it got incredibly interesting when Chico and Diane moved in together. They were such an adorable couple and even when he went to war, they still thought of each other at 11am. The film had its level of cheesiness with its romance but it was one I actually LIKED. I FELT this film. At dramatic parts, I wanted to get up from my seat and yell! What was cool was that the son of one of the actors was present and he gave such a long but intriguing speech before the film! How fantastic to see someone with silent film blood, ha-ha! We also got to see (not touch) Broncho Billy Anderson’s Oscar! I’ve never seen a real Oscar in my presence in my life! WOW!

Ok, anyway, I LOVED 7th Heaven. The end did it for me. I almost wanted to sob but then WOW!! And….yes….I did think that Charles Farrell was a handsome….remarkable fellow.

And what can I say about Janet Gaynor? She was precious! I am looking forward to seeing more of her silents with my man Charles. She appeared forlorn in this film but it was in away I could understand. There’s a part where she said she couldn’t go on living without hope but Charles told her to always look up! I ship them. I seriously ship them.  This film was fucking great, dears! Janet appeared so beautifully angelic but could rage like hell! Especially in that scene where she defends herself by whipping her sister when the latter attacked her! Whoo, Janet!

Yeah, that’s what I’ve mostly been doing. I still have to get through my many films that I’ve recorded this month from TCM.

I’ve also been listening to A LOT of The Damned. I’ve been listening to a handful of their albums. My favorite is Machine Gun Etiquette.

These are the songs I am besotted with:

Again I thank my Finnish punk rocker friend for introducing me to this amazing band.

My other Finnish friend has also made me pay attention to Queen and now I notice how much talent Freddie Mercury possessed. What a voice! He even referenced Rudolph Valentino in one of his interviews!


And, I’m serious, she has introduced me to such GREAT Queen songs. These ones are INSANE!!

YAY! I’m really grateful for the recommendations!

And, oh yes, MIB from MIB’s Instant Headache has asked me to answer some questions. He’s a very kind friend who is always there to help and knows a great deal about Anime, Lillian Gish and film overall! Don’t forget to check out his blog!

1. When it comes to movie productions, is bigger always better?

At times yes, other times no. It has to do more with how the movie is directed and if the acting is good enough. I mean, my second favorite movie of all time, Breakfast on Pluto, didn’t globally impact the world as much, but I love it so still!

2. If you could be a wrestler, what name or gimmick would you give yourself and what would your finishing move be?

Uh….I’m not into wrestling but I’ll think of something…..Um I would be Suzy Creamcheese, like the lady in the Frank Zappa and Mothers of Invention albums. My final move would be um….a punch?

3. What song, if any, has made you cry?

My favorite band makes me cry most of the time but they are sort of a secret for me. A song that always gets me melancholy is “Nur eine Stunde” sung by Pola Negri. Her voice makes me tear up a bit.

4. If you were to write an autobiography, what would the title be?

Ha, ha! I’ve thought about this before. I guess I would call it My Perilous, Youthful Life.

5. What do you fear most about getting old?

I’m not closer to my memories. Years go by and my memories become less clear and accurate. I am also closer to death.

6. If you could swap gender for a day, what would be the one thing you would most look forward to doing?

Oh lord, I’ve thought about this before also! I’d probably go to a gay bar and dance with all the lads!

7. Is there any possession – childhood or otherwise – you simply cannot throw away, regardless of its current dilapidated condition?

I’ve been wearing the same hair tie on my wrist since September of 2013. Losing it is unthinkable and throwing it away, too. I saw my favorite band live on that month after three years and the moment was so special that my hair tie has captured so many memories with it. I also wore it when I saw the band live last year, which was a cathartic experience I will never get over.

8. If the opportunity arose for you to have memory erased of just one film so you can watch it again for the first time, what would that film be?

GONE WITH THE WIND!!!! I’ve seen it far too many times and I still regard it as my favorite film if I appear bored when watching it. It has made such an impact on my life and made me appreciate films much more.

9. What song do you want played at your funeral?

Songs of my favorite band firstly. Then “Die With Me” by Type O Negative. Oh! And Air’s original score for The Virgin Suicides.

10. What was your favourite subject at school and why?

I’m still in school and my favorite subject will always be English. I hate writing essays and all but it helps me shape the course of my writing and express myself by taking advantage of my writing assignments.

11. If you could be reincarnated as an animal which one would you choose?

A giraffe. I would be giraffe. I really love giraffes.

Thank you for the questions! Have you all a fine day!

By the way, I’m gonna start to avoid concerts more often. The only band I will only see live these days will be my favorite band. I saw Alestorm live because my sister dragged me to and I hated it! Too many people! Too much happiness among the crowd that I myself didn’t feel.


3 thoughts on “Looking For Today

  1. My dear Izzy…

    Last week you brought lump to my throat because your post was so sad; now you bring a lump to my throat because I am glad you are getting better! 🙂

    I am sure I speak on behalf of all your friends when I say we are all thankful that you relented in taking those pills. You really have no reason to leave us yet so please don’t entertain doing anything so foolish again, okay?

    So pleased to hear your schooling situation has been addressed and that the school has recognised your issues rather than bury their head in the sand and absolve themselves of their responsibility to you as a pupil. I hope though that you don’t squander you days away from school and continue to learn and stimulate your mind. You have a fascinating and creative brain, a rare astute intellect and unique vision – USE IT!!! The worst thing you can do is let yourself vegetate when you have a whole world of possibilities to explore in person or on paper. you’d be letting yourself down and depriving others or your talent.

    On a side note though,. was the issue of ADHD – Attention Deficit Disorder – ever raised? It sounds to me like you may have that if your concentration is so fleeting? If you will indulge me though, I have a story of my own about this:

    When I was a baby my mother thought I was deaf because I never responded to anyone or anything and she was distraught to learn there might be something else wrong with me after all she and my Dad had been through with my birth (I was born with the umbilical round my neck and they thought I was stillborn; I was in an incubator for the first few days of my life and as s result didn’t take to my mother). Anyway, after seeing doctors, midwives and other so called specialists my Mum met the top child expert in London, who took one look at me and said “He’s not deaf, he’s just not interested!” 😛 It still rings true today – I shut out things that hold no interest for me” 😉

    I am pleased you have made new friends since joining Twitter (but don’t forget your old ones 😉 ) and that you are broadening your horizons thanks to them. Pleased you are enjoying Queen too! One my favourite bands and as you already know, “Queen II” is my all time favourite album. My fave song is “White Queen (As It Began)” – I hope you get to love this beautiful ballad too.

    Anyway, I am really liking this positive you and I want you to know that you have touched a lot of people even if you aren’t aware of it yourself. I know we sometimes clash on things like your Tourettes (private joke for the others reading this) but I am glad to know you and have you in my life. I thank you for your patience and understanding of my foibles and for being great company online.

    I wanted to close with a song but all the ones that match the positive message I want to send were cheesy pop songs and I know you’d hate them. Of course, the answer was right under my nose. So I hope you can find encouragement in this track:

    Bless you my dear Izzy! 🙂


  2. Okay, I’ll try to not do anything to foolish. It was just the moment that got hold of me. And thank you, I will so consider using my brain!

    Ugh, adhd…..Yeah, I don’t want to go through all that trouble with the labels. My psychiatrist told me there is medication I can take to help me read.

    Yes, I will be listening to more Queen! I haven’t heard much of their music since I was a little girl!

    I’ll try to be more positive, sure, but I do break often.

    The song was great, thank you! 😀


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s