I accompanied my mother and her real state agent to another town to look for new houses. No pool house because of my baby kinsman. I don’t know how many of them I saw. Some I liked….Some I just didn’t even want to place my steps in. There was a big, spacious house that was built in 1922. My mother and her agent disliked it because it was “so old”. Oh well, it’s not her style. I’m not paying anyway and it’s not as if I’m going to live there for the rest of my life. In every dwelling I walked into, I examined the secondary bedrooms. The length, the space and the severity of darkness. On my way, I was enjoying the hell out of my Type O Negative album until my CD player started to malfunction again. I do not know why it keeps turning off and turning on. I’ve only had the thing for almost a year….It’s the third CD player I have to yet replace. Maybe it is fate telling me to stop carrying all my CDs in my purse….the jewel cases are cracked. I have to find a new way to listen to my tunes.

I saw my psychiatrist…..asked her of this diagnosis she had given me of bipolar because I cannot still fathom it after all this time. I told her that I had more symptoms of depression and no “mania”. I only get those strange “high” moods that only last for two hours at most. In those states, I feel so alive and believe that nothing can go wrong. I’m usually more careless. Then I crash and feel that I have been a victim of self-illusion. She said she diagnosed me with type II because I had told her of that period two years ago where I lived through sleepless nights. Well, I didn’t feel hyper….but I couldn’t sleep still. I sometimes stayed writing….or listening to music. Oh, yes…..I was also depressed at the time….and the following week it got worse. Well, she told me that people who are only depressed don’t experience those odd “up” moods….She told me they could feel happy at times….but pleasantly happy….not the happy that coincides with lunacy. Ok then. It kind of makes sense now. When we were leaving, I talked to my mother about this and she told me I am only depressed. God, I’m getting overly confused about this again! Some human says this, the other says that…AHH! I need to get my blood work done so my lithium dose gets changed. I don’t know if it has affected me already….but I have yelled at the top of my lungs….almost getting aggressive and something in my insides has been dragging me down….and down…..I’m a sad lady. I’ll never know what the hell is wrong with me.

Some positive happenings! A Garbo movie is waiting for me at the library….her films are like my chick flicks. I also have to take notes on a book that I mistakenly requested to be sent to the library. It’s on human trafficking….I have to research organ trafficking. Fine, fine. I’ll start writing my story for the Tom of Finland contest. I should’ve done that a long time ago. I know the exact topic and setting. God yes. Today, I learned how to play “Laura’s Theme” from Twin Peaks on a piano of a house I saw. God yes. Type O Negative is fantastic and so is my Tony Iommi.

Here is the song that my petty CD player interrupted: (I love it so!)

Advertisements