In a few hours or so, I have to run to the pharmacy to pick up my Lithium. Oh yeah, I’m gonna take meds again. The wait is impatient.
I saw the psychiatrist early in the morn today and told her a summary of how I have been feeling and what has been ailing me lately. This time I did not focus on what I had read in the internet long ago about any disorder (I obsessively read about them, diagnosed myself and told specialists that I had the symptoms which were listed on the web), I simply focused on myself. All my funny “up” moods that I got, such as on Monday when I felt so alive and my eyes bulged open. I couldn’t understand why everyone was so calm and tedious. Of how most of the time I just crash…..and am pessimistic with everything in my sight. The elated moods only last for a few hours but some of the symptoms persist. I have too many thoughts and I cannot write them all down. When I forget them, they are a hassle to remember. The lady doctor spoke of how she was certain that I was suffering from bipolar disorder. It was type II. I was still puzzled because I don’t suffer from any “mania”. She proceeded in talking more about it and said how my episode was sort of mixed. Yay, mixed episode!
I was so relieved because she made the disorder seem more coherent to my understanding. It’s the fourth time I have been diagnosed with this. I told her I tried some mood stabilizers, antipsychotics and at one point even an antidepressant. The latter did horrendous terrors to my mental state. I had full-blown anxiety. I couldn’t even enter a car without fearing that we might crash. In my sleep, I’d worry. Fucking Wellbutrin, I despise you. So now Lithium. I never tried it because of the long-term effects it has on your body. Who knows? It might actually stabilize me. It never hurts to try. I have to take it twice a day and I hope I don’t end up too lethargic or nauseous. I am to think for the best, yes. I am moving soon and hopefully I will have more space to hang up my Valentino poster. YES!
The thought of being able to handle my moods by quitting medication seemed possible once it was done but I cannot even spend a whole year without them. Maybe my body isn’t so brave. Well, resilience is to accompany me on my path to success. Yes, dears, yes! I want to be mentally stable in Finland, writing my novels and watching my films. I can’t wait for the blood tests that I need to get every ten days now.