In a lonely place

Today was my second day of attending a public educational place. I haven’t been taught lessons among any humans for over a year. I was bitterly dreading it a few hours ago and just wanted to go back home. I could just not cower away like that. I need to finish the bit that I have left of my education.

My first day had been painfully stressful because in my first class I had entered the stages of an early migraine. It all started with these little crystal auras that I started seeing. The vision of one of my eyes was getting faulty and half an hour later I got a headache. I walked to my second class (it was all very confusing because I was a new student and was having trouble with room numbers) and my migraine worsened. I got nauseous in less than ten minutes and wanted to hurl every time I took a step. I later got some aspirin which made all that vanish. Of course, I almost fell asleep in my English lesson because of that….but then all was fine, fine, fine.

Today I was bored from all of my senses until I started to feel misplaced yet again. I was too old for everybody that passed me by, even though they were all around my age. They were all comfortable in their social position as all their interests were accepted in the norm. Oh my dear, the entirety of my persona is too unconventional.

This got heavily sorrowful around lunchtime. I had attempted to make some friendly companions-or at least- to acquaint but that went nowhere. Why the hell was I even trying this again? Travelling way back in my childhood, I could not adapt or even relate to the norms of humankind. In Peru, I never had friends over because I was either probably too mean or too involved in my own affairs. I just spent my afternoons and summers playing with my Barbies. The imperious utopia that distracted me from my apparent solace. Now, I’m sick of trying and trying to actually be fully comfortable in places infested with humans. I’ve never been around crowds or had best friends with sleepovers…I tried that maybe once or twice and the finality of such things turned out to be abandonment. I was either too weird or too moody for my temporary “friends”. They all got sick of me and mingled with other crowds.

I didn’t even eat lunch. I took out my computer and started watching Madame Dubarry. I followed a teaching authority’s advice on quickly forming friendships by sitting with random people. I sat on a table with these young gals and just mere seconds after I placed my bottom on the chair, they stood up and walked away. Other broads also came…and….well…It was none of my business. I didn’t know them. I didn’t even want to consume the food I was supposed to have with them. So I dashed off to the room where the theater was and watched Pola’s silent there. Or tried to. All these obnoxious lads were loudly yabbering like monkeys, along with their girlfriends. Such disturbance pissed me off that I did not know what to do. I sat alone on a hallway and watched Madame Dubarry. Of course, this was enormous help to make me reminisce about my early days in America. Well, in all actuality, the only time where I actually lunched with at least four people was for two months back in my middle school era. Besides that, it was a lonely place. That is why I loved the library so much in high school. In this place, they don’t have one because everything now is on a goddamn laptop. This is fifth grade all over again. I am too old for this. I’m not going to have recurrent flashbacks of how I used to roam all over the playground. Walking back and forth; with no destination and not knowing what to do. At times I played ball but that saddened me more.

Then I remembered that this was a place that provided me with education. My worries about my longtime loneliness weren’t going to get me ahead. I needed to overcome my concerns about relating to humanity and all that idiotic bullshit. Education will set me a pathway to all those ambitious grandiose dreams I have. I guess I won’t have to care about any social contact at all and just glue my face to my studies in the first place. Maybe a misanthropic attitude will reward me with the sequential steps to the ladder that will lead to my hopeful success. Yeah, why not try to be comfortably lonesome? After all, my education and my hobbies matter. I don’t think I was meant for humans and I am fine with that. I think I needed to face this problem once again to help me realize what was keeping me behind. I want to butcher my brain this year with all the studying I’ll have to do. I’ll surely suffer but when I’ll look back upon it, I’ll be proud. It’s always those moments when I reflect on my past sufferings that make me smile. They were all so astonishingly bad which is what made them all memorable. Ah, I assume that I am to spend my lunches watching silent films; thinking about Tom of Finland and my favorite band.


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