Oh dear. What a crude week it’s been. I’ve been fluctuating between stability and sadness. Hey, at least I bought another Zappa album after so many months and the soundtrack to the second Godfather movie.

Happy, happy hell. I’ve tried do basically anything to momentarily forget that I am bored or sad. Such as playing Grand Theft Auto. I gave up videogames, for they were too addictive and a waste of time, a few years ago. I played the San Andreas one, after 2006 probably. These violent games are fun…if the cops aren’t chasing you. So I just put a couple of cheats, drove to San Francisco and murdered some people. After my three-hour killing rampage, I felt some sort of remorse….since I took the lives of so many little virtual people….so I kind of don’t want to play that anymore. Then I returned to The Sims…made Touko (Pola Negri’s son with Valentino) go to college…I worked my clicking ass off in making him study and write papers…and ultimately made it to the dean’s list. So Touko now is married to this guy named Craig and they are in vacation in China.

Also I sat in front of my typewriter…typed a paragraph just like the one above…read it…and put it back in my writing box after some intolerable minutes of self-judgement. Yes, truly I’ve been feeling saddened and I’ve wept….The inescapable feeling of captivity remains…And, yes, the thoughts of ending my life have been conjured…but were quickly gone after my eardrums welcomed the noise of one song of my favorite band. Once I heard that, I giggled, then sobbed, then giggled again. God, the dreaded summer is almost done, thank the lord TOF, and I can go back to occupying my mind with my studies.

But, hey, at least I’ve watched some movies lately. Like Prozac Nation and Metropolis. They were fun films and I am not in the mood to review them. I’m just glad Christina Ricci got better…Yeah, I’m taking a glorious visit to the psychiatrist again…But no antidepressants. Anything but that. Ugh, they’d make me stay up all night…obsessively worrying about unimportant things. I might try to view some more silents. They’re fun. Thanks to darling Lon Chaney the other day…I want to view more of them. German silent films…..something approved by my retinas!

Advertisements