I cried yesterday as much as I did in October. I was sobbing in a Peruvian restaurant, as I grasped a napkin to my face. It felt great to let out such emotions…such frustration being unleashed finally. I had been having issues with my mother and father detesting each other even though they are divorced now; yesterday I felt at my worst.
Then I figured out that weeping had become regular again. It’s happening again. The mood swings are back. In the morning I can be very pissed off. By midday I can feel fine. In the afternoon, I can be despairingly wailing and by night I can be laughing. It’s a terror I tell you. Like Joan Bennett in Suspiria (though that movie is hilarious) or E.T. I’ve always been terrified of him. If in one occasion I am weeping, then I will want to guffaw loudly in the middle of my spectacle. I was tearfully bitching of how I was always trapped in my house…The occasional blah-blah-blah…All I ever see is white walls…in my own house. There are some days where I don’t know if it was sunny or not. Maybe that is why I am stuck on writing; I am in great need to see more of the world.
Of course, after I calmed down, I remembered that greatness possibly awaits and that I must learn to be patient. But, seriously, even though I go out quite often, I still feel trapped. Anywhere. I’m always compulsively shopping to satisfy my boredom…but it returns. Though when I go to San Francisco, it goes away for a little bit. Or when I watch my films. Or when I blabber about all my silliness that I know.
Yes, yes. As I always do, I took out my CD player, placed my favorite album of my favorite band, and blasted it loudly. It was angelic…sensually bemusing for my human eardrums. I love that album so much. It was their first album and I don’t see why their other ones are praised more than this one. This one was sassy; it was a demonic beauty. Please let me do stop now, for I will inevitably blather of my worship for this band.
I guess, to feel better, I am to listen to this song and watch In Bruges….My kinswomen are suggesting medication for me again…Please no.
And this one, as a treat to myself.